Pass or Fail

I had lunch with a friend the other day and he made an "obersvation" about me. He said that I view everything as a Pass or Fail. It really struck a cord with me and has been on my mind ever since. I have to agree 100% but I also have to say this is a new thing for me. Before I "met" this friend I thought I had the best relationship I had ever had with God. I was at a great place where I seemed to think that "anything" goes as long as no one gets hurt. I was so caught up in "love thy neighbor" and all other things didn't seem to matter. Sounds like the way a "hippie" lives.

I certainly agree that I viewed other aspects of my life in the "pass or fail" way. I also agree that no one judges me harder that I judge myself.

I think my friend was trying to tell me to ease up a bit on myself, that maybe I've gone to far in the other direction.

I actually find this VERY comforting. I would love to be able to go back to something less stressful and with much less judgement.

Even though I would much rather go back to my old relationship with God where all I needed to do was focus on "Love thy Neighbor" I realize that my new much more personal relationship with God is a much more real one but it also opens me up for a "pass or fail" relationship with God and that just isn't working for me. It's very stressful for me, I'm obsessed with all the things that I do that God doesn't like. I really want to go back to a much for "loving" relationship with God.

I know in my heart that I am a product of him and thus he must love me, but my head says differently. I have never in my life been so insecure and I'm sure this is why I'm drinking 3 to 5 bottles of wine a day.

?

This is a very unorganized post and I'm sorry if that bothers you but I have alot of random thoughts that I just need to get out.

Drinking- my drinking is still going strong but it's easily cut in half. I realize this is no where near a success but I'm going with "one day at a time" and with that I see it as progress:(

I have started "looking" at "the power of attraction" again and I'm going further with it this time and I'm (as always) really thinking it hits home for me.

I'm starting to wondering if this strange friendship I'm developing with my "starbucks" friend isn't part of this way of thinking and I'm trying hard to keep an open mind when it comes to him.

This is a typical example of how my past is causing me to miss out on things in my current life.

This guy is trying to "advance" our friendship but I just can't bring myself to trust him and keep canceling on him so that we are only able to meet/visit at Starbucks .

Im reallying wondering if God hasn't brought him into my life because Yoga is what I need to help my mind to calm down?

I am SO interested in Yoga but I'm just way to shy to even bring up this topic with him and I actually don't think I could even take a class with him and I'm just trying hard to get up the courage to ask his advise on this but I still can't do it:((((

ha ha

still drinking

Well, I've now been to 2 AA meetings and actually felt a bit more comfortable on the second visit and actually got "called out" and made to read and then speak (and I didn't puke). Everyone is SO nice, it's really amazing. A couple of people suggested that I try the "new comers" meetings on Sunday. It's a series of 6 meetings that are supposed to get you more familiar with how things work in AA (which is still a bit confusing for me) so I will go to my first one this Sunday.

I was doing so good last week and went 3 full days without drinking and I actually felt MUCH better and then on the 4th day I was feeling really stressed over a family argument and chose to turn to wine. It was a horrible mistake and as soon as I started the first bottle I went down hill fast. 3 bottles later I had made an ass out of my self with a friend who I care about alot. It was a disaster!!!!!

And I've drank everyday since:( I'm drinking first thing in the morning and all the way until bedtime:(

I HATE the person I am becoming and i blame it all on the booze:((

1rst step

This past Wednesday I drank 5 bottles of wine. 1 before 8:30am on my way to work. The second I keep in my car and snuck out several times during my work shift and actually finished that bottle before my work shift was over and then I stopped on my way home and bought 2 more bottles and finished them before 6 pm that night so I walked up to the store for the 5th.

I actually got up in the middle of the night and checked to be sure I didn't have any left.

I did make it to the gym by 5;45 am the next morning but dude was I a mess.

My family wasn't speaking to me they were so mad at me over it and my husband "laid down the law" and basically said that I was destroying out family.

I had read 2 of the AA books I had bought and spent quite a bit of time on their website so I decided I HAD to get to my first meeting.

I found a meeting at 9:30 am that morning and drove around it 3 different times and chickened out and went to the park to read from the prayer book I bought and decided that I would try again for the 11:15 am meeting. So I made up my mind that I had to do this.

I pulled up at the meeting and didn't even sit in my car I just walked up and talked to a couple of guys who were hanging out on the porch. They welcomed me in right away and really made the process as easy as possible.

I was SO nervous and just knew I would throw up before it was all over.

Well, it was amazing. Everyone was so nice and everyone of them told me their store and how much better their life was without booze. It really was very inspiring.

So it's been 2 says now without ANY booze and my stomach is a mess. I've had terrible cramps and lots of diarrhea.

My "temptation" level is much lower than I expected but I'm worried about the weekend. My plan is to make sure I don't have anytime alone. I really don't think I can trust myself just yet.

My husband said he was really proud of me the day I went to the meeting and hasn't brought it up since. I really think I could use someone to talk to about this. Everyone at the group suggested I get a sponsor asap even if I only get a temporary one. I'm guessing this is why.

I am proud of myself for taking this step and I know if I join this AA group they will be there for me and I know that GOD is always there for me.

12 steps for me?

Well, I've bought 3 books about Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Step program and today is my first day in WEEKS without a single drink. I was up to about 3 bottles of wine a day and for the last week I've been "sneaking" all most all of my drinking from my family and friends. Last week my partner and our son had and "intervention" with me and basically screamed at me for an hour and told me how I was ruining our family and they had had enough. My son said he was actually thinking about living with someone else if I didn't stop drinking. So I agreed to not drink at home for 2 weeks and we would just see how much better things got for everyone and then reevaluate. So the very next day I started drinking just as much if not more but sneaking it.

As soon as everyone was out of the house in the morning (8am) I would head to the store and buy bottle 1 and then 2 hours later would walk back up for bottle 2 (and this was all before going to work that afternoon). I would stop on my way home from work at night and buy more and drink it in the car before going inside. It's SO PATHETIC!!!! My anxiety is going thru the roof and I'm drunk dialing all my friends. My doctor told me that drinking while taking my anxiety meds it would actually make my anxiety attacks much worse.

So I bought a 12 step book yesterday and also a prayer book to go along with it and started reading them (while drinking a bottle of wine). This morning I had a terrible workout with my trainer (my anxiety was thru the roof and now I'm actually thinking he's trying to be mean to me. I know for sure it's all in my head and I feel terrible for thinking such things about him and I also know for sure it's all because of the wine and the meds combined).

So later today I bought the AA Big Book on audio and went for a really long walk. It really seems to make since and I guess I will do my best to do "one day at a time" and today was my first sober day. I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow because I will have several hours after work but before my family gets home and that is perfect time for sneaking a drink. My plan is to go straight to the gym from work and that should kill enough time for my son to get home from school. I'll say my prayers and do my best:))

I can not keep treating my family and friends this way......

it's not all bad

I have had the greatest day and just wanted to share. I know that my last SEVERAL post have been pretty drepressing but over all I still think of myself as an upbeat kind of guy.
I was up by 7am and headed to Starbucks for my morning coffee. I sat there and read up on the days news and checked my emails and then headed off to the gym. I had a really good workout (it was my second day this week of adding running back into my workouts and it felt amazing).
I wasn't able to spend anytime in the basements of the gym doing weights but I did do a great chest and arm routine and left with my upper body feeling like jello. lol
Went home and got lunch started on the stove and then my kid and I headed out to try and new church. We havent been to church in over a year and I have felt terrible about that but I just haven't been able to get my shit together and get my family into church again. We are a family divided when it comes to church and it's very stressful.
So I begged my partner to go with me to check this new church out and he refused but suggested I ask our teenage boy so I did and he agreed. We both had a great time and agreed to go back next week.
After church we came home and got lunch ready for my trainer and his wife to come over. We planned on having lunch and then heading out to the local farm to pick peaches.
Lunch was fantasic and so was spending the afternoon at the farm. We really did have a fantastic time together.
We had some good conversation and learned new things about each other.
Now I'm getting ready to head out to dinner with another friend.
It's been a fantastic day of "fellowship"......

second visit with Joan

Today was my second visit with Joan (my new therapist). We spent the whole hour with me giving graphic details of all the abuse I've been thru in my WHOLE life.
It was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand why we had to do this but I can't explain how this ruined my whole frigging day. I left this appointment and went right into the salon with a full day of appointments. It was like we picked all the scabs off of my wounds and then I wasn't aloud to bleed.
At the end of our hour I had describe how I know the thoughts that go thru my head are bullshit but in my heart I feel/know I'm nothing but trash.
I am so afraid that the truth is that I was brought into this world to be nothing other than shit for others to abuse.
I'm trying SO hard to be a better person but in my heart I know I'm only here to make others feel better about themselves.
I have always had this weird feeling that "in a prior life I was a wonderful servant" and now I'm wondering if that really means that I was a slave used only as a piece of shit put on earth so that someone else could use me to feel better about themselves?
If in my heart I know I'm not worthy of another persons love how in the hell can I be worthy of GODs love?
Today's breakthrough was when I'm having an anxiety attack all I can say is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don''t be mad at me!!!!!". That is me being 5 years old and my dad beating the living shit out of me and me trying with all I have to convince him that I will do better if he just gives me a chance.
My partner has NEVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me in ANY WAY, but I can't stop my self from saying "I'm Sorry, please don't be mad at me". Even with my trainer when I start freaking out all I want to say is "I'm sorry" and then I'm scared he will be mad at me for saying "I'm sorry" so I'm left with nothing to say:(
I want GOD to love me and I want to have a realationship with him but I'm so scared that even he will try and teach me a lession and I just don't have it in me to be beat down any more.
I can't do this. Once you think your nothing but trash how can you go lower???

quick update and then on the real shit

Today I had my second session with my new therapist and it was horrible so I just want to give a quick update before I move onto why today was so bad/hard for me.

Two weeks ago I had my first appointment with my new therapist Joan. This was the result of my partner DEMANDING that I do something about how bad I've been feeling. First thing we did was call our "employee assistant program" and after answering several VERY personal questions I was told that my problems were WAY to serious for what they were offering and I needed at least a year of intense therapy and not the 5 visits they could give me:((
So I have my first session with Joan and it goes pretty well. I give her a basic overview of the anixioty I am going thru and we talk about how I have a hystory of dipression but not a history of anixioty and this new emotion isnt working for me.
After alot of talking I realize that my biggist problem is "the GYM" (have ALOT of "rules" for my trainer at the gym". So Joan suggest that I pick one of the "rules" that I have at the gym and work on getting past this "one rule at a time".
So I go back to my trainer and repeat this saying "Can you please stop my "no touching" rule" and help me get over this? He was fine with it and we agreed we would work on this one thing at at time.

follow up

it's been about 8 hours since my last post and I've stopped crying but I'm sure that isn't going to last thru the end of this post.

I've reread the post a couple of times during the day and I know I should be embarrassed by it but I'm not and in fact I somewhat proud of it. I've noticed a trend in my last few post and that trend is: they are getting more and more honest. More real. They don't hurt any less and if possible im actually hurting more but it would seem that I have to hit bottom before I can crawl to God and beg him to help me become whole again.

437andtired or 237andscared? CHOOSE!!!

I left the gym crying my eyes out again today. I had a great workout in the since of I was sweating my ass off and did a fairly hard workout but all that kept going thru my head is I'm a loser, I'm nothing but trash and I'm never going to be anything but a loser. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or not I'm still a loser. I try SO hard at the gym and we still keep coming across things that I just cant get right. Today we were doing some sort of "clean and press" and my trainer was being so nice about it but I just couldn't get it and right away I just kicked into "your a loser" mode and it ruined the rest of my workout. I'm so afraid he's going to see me for what I really am and fire me just like the last trainer. I had dinner last night with my trainer and his wife (at my suggestion) and I (as always) had such a great time with them. They have such a calming and nurturing affect on me. I really love spending time with them but I also know this relationship can't work out, so why do I keep setting myself up for the hurt that is going to come. I really do believe that God has brought them into my life for a reason but I'm so afraid that the reason is going to be something bad. Something to remind me that I'm not supposed to trust people and love people because I'm not worthy of that. Or that I'm a horrible sinner and until I stop sinning I will never be happy.

I don't understand how the harder I work to have a better body the harder my mind works against me. It seems like I am going to have to choose - 437andtired, or 237andscared?

I'm really wondering if the changes I've been trying to make in my life are not a huge mistake. I decided a while back to try and have more "real" relationships and not "superficial" ones so I have told 3 of my straight male friends (my 2 trainers and 1 actual friend) about my past. EVERYTHING!!! And I even went for drinks with a male client who had been trying to get me to do something social with him for years. The purpose was, I was afraid that God was bringing people into my life to help me and I was "denying" them thous denying God a chance to help me. Well now 3 people know my story and I feel even more afraid and vulnerable.

The light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I do have an apt with a therapist this coming week and I am feeling very hopeful about that.

ManOpause

I have been an emotional mess lately. I've been having anxiety attacks at the gym for several months now and the last few weeks I've started having them in my normal everyday life also. I've also had a few "crying" fits (thank the lord only when I'm home and only when I'm alone). Although when I try and talk to my partner about this I ALWAYS start crying again and then feel horrible guilty.

Just over a month ago I was out on a run and hurt my foot. I've been to the Dr twice, got an xray and seen a PT. My medical "team" has pulled me off of all cardio and not only am I going stir crazy I also now realize just how much I used my treadmill runs as therapy. I am not a fan of outside running but i LOVE getting on the treadmill, putting headphones in and just going until I'm dead. I can really process alot of my "shit" there.

It's strange and somewhat funny that the gym is the place where I feel the most "unsafe" and "crazy" when I'm being pushed by my trainer and then the next day feel amazing on the treadmill.

I can't get a true feeling of being "safe" on outside runs but on the treadmill where I can see everyone around me and with my headphones in no one trys to talk to me. It's very "controlled" and I LOVE IT.

Since my foot has me on the sidelines I haven't found a new way to process my crap. I've been drinking ALOT and when I'm under the influence my emotions get even more carried away.

I've been having lots of nightmares again. Same shit as always, someone is chasing me trying to kill me. There's always a lot of blood and drama. Although I will say that I don't seemed to be waking up stressed out like I normally do when I have these rounds of nightmares.

I'm on vacation all this week and my only goal was to get an apt scheduled with a therapist. So that is what I'm going to do tomorrow. I've put it off as long as I can. I really dread therapy because of all the shit it stirs up from my past but I am SO tired of not being at peace.

I am so afraid I'm going to get fat again and I'm wondering if that isn't at some level what I actually want? My new body just does't match my self esteem or my self worth. Back when I weighed 437 I could look at myself in the mirror and see that I was a disgusting on the outside as I was on the inside. Even though I still don't believe people when I say "you look so amazing" and when I look in mirror I still see disgusting but it's a different kind of disgusting:(

tomorrow is D~Day

So tomorrow I'm meeting my new trainer for a "talk". He ask me to meet him before out next workout session. That can only mean one of two things: he is going to "let me go" and wants to do it asap.

I would completely understand!!! From the bottom of my heart I think this guy might just be to nice and my "damage" might just be to much for him. For me to think that my "shit" would bring someone else down is way to much to ask. The biggest thing I HATE about sharing my story is when people say "It's amazing you have survived to even be here"!! All that says to me is they don't understand what I've been thru and they think I should be dead.

When your 5 and someone is raping you, you really don't get the option to say "STOP, I don't want this so let me check out". Or when your 18 and a group of 5 guys are holding you down, ripping off your cloths and holding a knife to your throat you don't really think about saying "STOP, I don't want this so let me check out"! Not surviving is not an option and that SUX. But here we are, I'm 44 and I have survived and I now have no choice but to deal with it.

I'm hoping that he wants to get together so we can figure out a "plan" on how he can help me be a better/stronger person.

I'm holding out that there is a chance that God has sent him to me and he is GOING to help me be a stronger person. A person who can stop living in fear......

to nurture or to be nurtured?

In my salon I have a reputation for always having the criers. There is always a box to tissues at my station. It's not because I make them cry over what I've done to their hair but instead it's because they sit in my chair and feel comfortable enough to spill their guts (just in the last two weeks I've had two clients tell me their husbands are cheating and they are thinking about divorce). I'm a great listener and will hug when forced. lol

I LOVE it that people are able to open up to me (is that because they know I'm more damaged than they are so it's safe?), but what happens when I want to open up to someone?

I LOVE my husband and he really is the answer to my dreams (he makes me feel secure and safe).

But he is not a listener or a nurturer. He admits this right up front:)

NONE of my friends know my "story". The only person outside of my parents and my partner who I have shared my store with is my trainer. I'm starting to wonder if that is such a good ideal? I want to be able to talk about my crap with it's on my mind but I need to decide is that need more important that my privacy. My friends think of me as the person to come to when they have problems NOT as the person who has the freaky past. I DON'T want to be known by my past yet I admit I am being held prisoner by my past.

a bunch of nothing

I'm just going to start typing and see what happens and THEN I will decide the "title" of this post.

First I want to talk about the guy I had "picked" up at the bar and was walking home with when we got jumped by the "bashers". I think there's a reason i can't remember his name! I am able to escape the guys who are trying to "do me harm" and get home to Michael. He takes me to the ER (we tell them I fell down the stairs) and I spend a couple of days in the hospital with broken ribs and lots of bruises. I refuse to tell the police what really happened (because somehow I'm sure it's really my own fault).

Well to sum it up the guy I was bringing home from the bar ended up breaking into our house and stealing a bunch of stuff. I refuse to press charges but Michael does press charges and the guy gets arrested. He gets out and actually breaks into our house again!!!!!

The investigating cop actually calls my parents and tells them I really need help and ask them to come to Phoenix.

My mom actually shows up one day and tells me she here to take me home. I actually feel "loved and relieved" and pack up and go with her. On the way home she then tells me that what I'm going thru is God's punishment for being Gay and if I don't get my shit together I am for sure going to HELL!!!

I remember setting in the back seat of the car for the two day drive just not understanding how God could be punishing me but not Wayne or Randy?

to move on or not?

I didn't see this coming but now I'm torn between moving on the the next phase (not even sure what that is) or to keep listing off more and more shit from my past. I've been reading thru my last few post and I just keep getting more memories of horrible things. There is a huge part of me that wants it ALL down, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY!!! But another (yet smaller) part of me thinks ENOUGH of the bad shit lets get started healing.

I think to deny a concentration camp prisoner the right to speak the horror's that were done to them would be another crime but I also feel that as long as I keep dwelling on this shit the longer before I can move past it.

now on to the real shit

This is the post I've been avoiding all along. for some reason writing about being raped and beat as a child is easier than being raped as an adult. I think for some reason I'm able to think that the shit that happened to me as a child is in no way my fault but the shit that happens to me as an adult I have to accept as my responsibility for some reason. I realize as I'm writing this that it's bullshit but that is not how I feel in my heart.

I'm skipping ahead thru alot of crap (I get hit by a car and spend a year on crutches, miss half of my senior year of school. My mom finally figures out I'm gay and has a melt down. My grandmother stands up for me and tells my mom to get over it. I get a SEVERAL thousand dollar settlement from the car wreck and my mom just gives me a check and says good luck).

So I'm 18 and I talk my best friend into moving away to Phoenix.

So now Charles and I have moved to Phoenix (at 18 years of age), we don't know a soul but we are trying to make it.

Charles and I try to make it for a few months and it's not going well and we decide to split up and go our separate ways.

I move in with this guy named Michael who I met at a bar and things are actually going well.

I'm working for a nursing temp service (during my senior year in high school I get a "certificate" that lets me be a nursing assistant) and easily able to pay my half of the rent.

Michael is a bar whore and so I learn to visit the bars every night in search of happiness.

One night I meet a guy at the bar and we decide to go back to my place. During the walk back to my place we are being followed by a group of guys (5 to be exact). They start yelling gay slang at us and we start running trying to make it home. During the last block we (my "date" and I are separated) and I get tackled in my neighbors yard. I'm only one yard away from making it home!!!!

5 guys take me down in the yard NEXT to mine and start beating the shit out of me. They are kicking me in the head and chest. I can not describe what I am feeling at this moment!!! I really think that GOD has finally answered my prayers and I'm going to die. These guys are really trying to kill me!!! They are trying to get me clothes off so they can rape me and then they are going to cut my throat (this is what they are saying while they beat the shit out of me)!!!

One guy is holding my head with a knife at my throat, theres a guy at each arm and the other two are trying to get my pants down. These guys are really going to kill me!! But they are going to rape me first. I remember thinking they hate fags and they want to kill me so why are they trying to have sex with me? The guy between my legs is saying how he's going to teach me a lesson and then he's going to kill me!

My pants are down and a guy is on me and I bite a HUGE chunk out of his arm and start yelling AIDS at the top of my lungs!!!! The person's yard that we are in turns on the porch light and that scares the gang and they leave me be. Now I'm left laying naked in my neighbors yard with my pants down and VERY vulnerable!!! I want to say that i really did think that these guys were going to kill me and leave me for dead. I couldn't believe that this guy I brought home from the bar had left me to get killed by these assholes.

two separate issues going on here: First and foremost I've been raped by a gang of "gay haters"

and second I trusted this guy to take care of me and he runs when things get tough!!!

he actually showes up at my house the next day and says how scared he was for me. BULLSHI!

I'm going to stop now because I need to process this asshole and see what comes next.

High School

Junior High was lots of sex and drugs for me (I was a prostitute and I sold Pot out of my locker during 7th and 8th grade). For most of those 2 years it was just my mom and myself (and the random guy she would have living with us). My mom worked nights at a truck stop and money was really scarce. I was doing pretty good in the money department (I often had more cash than she did since my two jobs paid much better than hers). Sometimes I would even stick cash in her purse where she would just think she had a better night at work than she remembered.

High School was really differnt for me, I was really coming into my own. It was a pretty small school so not to many clicks.

I stilled spend my extra time walking the streets for money and love/attention....

My grades start to climb and get get and better and I start to get more and more popular..

But by my junior year I started having some pretty serious bouts of depression. I was no longer walking the streets but was having LOTS of casual sex with anyone who was interested.

My junior year was also when I started having pretty serious thoughts of no longer wanting to live.

One time I drank 2 bottles of cold medicine and tied my self up in a extra large trash bag. My thinking was the cold meds would put me to sleep and I could suffocate in the trash bags. Of course it didn't work and I cried my self to sleep begging GOD to not let me wake up.

I would say I tried various versions of this over the next couple of years and even ended up in the in the ER a few times. My parents always reacted to this with me just being spoiled and trying to get attention.

At this stage in the game there was NO talk of any of the abuse (sexual or otherwise) in the family.

sex equals love???

I'm not going to spend my time on this but about the age of 12 I realized that if I walked the downtown streets I can "pick up" guys and they will give me money if I do the things that Randy had been doing to me for free for years. So now I'm a 12 year old prostitute. Some guys made me feel really special and some guys were mean and very rough. But I was able to hold out for the guys who made me feel special. This went on for several years while at the same time my mom seemed to be doing the same thing by dateing lots of different guys and we moved from place to place and guy to guy.

molestion the same as RAPE???

My first memory of being molested is when I'm about 5 years old. Wayne had been beating the shit of me and mom so she sneaks me out of the house to spend some time with my Grandma.

while there my Uncle Randy tells me that if I don't "help him out" he will tell my grandma to get rid of me (and then I have to go back to Wayne). So my first memories of Randy is of me giving him a blow job when I'm 5 years old. I have the most painful memories of that asshole. My Grandmother was my favorite person in the whole wide world. She is the only person I have ever know who truly loved me unconditionally and Randy used those feeling to rape me (physically and emotionally). How many times did my mom send me to my grandmothers house thinking she was protecting me only to actually be putting me in more danger!

That continues until I'm at least 10 years old:((

I just want to add to this, many years later when I'm in therapy Randy refuses to admit what he did to me and in fact calls me a spoiled brat who just needs to grow up.

My parents actually believe me but feel that GOD wants me to forgive Randy and welcome him back into my life (like they have). My parents actually feel that I"m the bigger sinner because I can not forgive him and get on with my life. Randy has been acussed of doing the same thing to many people over the years (even his youngest sister and one of his daughters) and I am the only one in the family who hasn't been able to move on. Every year at Christmas and Thanksgiving my mom and I have an argument over whether or not he can be there while I'm there. I even have to make her promise he won't come around my son while he is visiting over the summer.

my first step towards healing

This is the first attempt at writing down my past so please bare with me, I'm really nervous.

My mom found out the day of her high school graduation that she was pregnant! My grandmother didn't like the guy so she had him sign papers that said if he didn't pursue "father" rights my mother wouldn't pursue child support and he signed... My grandmother helps my mom and really ends up being my parent while my mom is just the occasional babysitter.

My mom is working at the local greyhound bus stop and meets this guy called Wayne (who is getting home from prison) and marries him 2 months later (I'm 1 year old). I grow up knowing Wayne as my dad..

Wayne is VERY abusive and does some crazy mean things to my mom and I for the first 10 years of my life. I have crazy memories of him that are very unorganized so bear with me as I try and write them down.

I will say right up front that I have NO memories of him every being proud of me as his "son"!!!

I only have BAD memories of him. I honestly don't think having him as a dad was any worse than living in a concentration camp. I actually feared for my life many times (as well as the life of my mom).

I don't have a "real" order of my memories but I do have LOTS of crazy memories that I'm willing to share:

first: I'm about 5 years old and my mom is gone and I'm crying wanting her back. Wayne actually puts me in a closet with a bottle and LOCKS the door. I'm stuck there until my mom gets home and gets me out of the closet.

Second: Wayne goes into the bathroom and finds pee on the toilet lid and calls me in. He beats the shit out of me and actually beats me until I try and climb behind the toilet He then pisses all over me and says "that's what you deserve"!!

Third: Wayne ask me to "draw" him a bath and finds its to hot. He takes me into the kitchen and holds my hands over the stove until I'm screaming and says "next time down't make the water so hot"!!!

4th: he ask me to "draw" his bath water and of course its to hot so he takes me into the kitchen where my mom is boiling potatoes and sticks my hands into the pot of boiling water until I scream!!!! That's what I get for making his bath water to hot...

5th: he thinks my mom is flirting with his brother so he ties her to a bed and has 2 other men come in and have sex with her while he makes me sit on the bedroom floor and watch. He then goes on to tell me this is what will happen to me if I lie. I actually am made to watch strange men have sex with my mom????

6th: My mom gets the courage to take me and leave him. He barges into my class room and actually steals me from the class telling the teacher to "fuck off". He hides me at his brothers house while he blackmails my mom. He says hes going to kill me if she doesn't come home. Of course she comes home....

I need to stop here but just know I have a milllion of these stories......

2 years and still looking back

Tomorrow is my 2 year "anniversary" of my Gastric Bypass Surgery:))

I seems impossible to tell you how different life is for me now. I spent the last hour reading all my past posts and I'm very saddened by them. I guess I just didn't realize how miserable I was as a "fat" person.

If I had to describe myself to someone who has never seen me I would say that I'm on the larger size of normal and VERY active. I do go to the gym 6 days a week!!!

When I look in the mirror or if I was to draw a picture of myself I still see myself as a 400 lbs person and I'm still struggling with that!!!

There is still rarely a day goes by that someone doesn't comment on how different I look and I always smile and say "thank you", but in my heart I think they are lying!! I know how strange it sounds but every time I look in the mirror I see something different. One time a normal size person and the next time a HUGE person.

Ive had a HUGE change in my life. My personal trainer "Jesse" has dumped me and I'm having a HUGE problem dealing with that. I have know for some time that he was trying to get out of training full time but when it happened I have taken it VERY personally. I don't want to spend to much time on this but I really have been DEVASTATED!!!! He really has been the only person who has been with me from the start who I really have confided in. Even my partner hasn't given me the support Jesse has. He knows things about me that almost no one else knows. Things I'm not even comfortable writing about here!! (things I go on to talk about in later post)

So Jesse picked out a new trainer for me (his name is Caleb) and I'm now starting my second month with him. I just now feel like the scabs are starting to turn to scars from Jesse and I have sworn to myself that I will not get as close to Caleb as I did to Jesse and so far I'm doing good.

My goal here is to write down my actual history (why I think I got so FAT) in the next few weeks. I do feel like I've made some great connections and that is the "first step to healing"...

I will say that with Caleb I say right up front what I don't like (don't touch me, and don't help me unless I ask), where with Jesse I put with it for a few times before I got the courage to speak up. With that said I feel SO bad for Caleb, he is SO nice and is great with dealing with me but he has to think i'm the biggest FREAK ever!!

On to the current business: I am out of "personal trainer sessions" in the middle of May and I have to now deal with "do I resign or not". Even though Jesse had told me he wasn't going to train for ever I really hadn't processed that I might need to do this on my own soon. And now the time is getting near. So today I told Caleb if I can lose 20 lbs (that will make a total of 200 lbs) by the end of our sessions I will reward myself with another package. But if not than I need to accept that what I weight now is what I'm going to weight and deal with it. I don't need a trainer for "maintenance".

As much as I am thankful for the surgery and do think of it as one if not the biggest blessing in my whole life and am surprised at how my "shit" I still have going thru my mind.

It almost seems that I trust others even less, I am going to have to deal with this!!!