Saturday, April 30, 2011

High School

Junior High was lots of sex and drugs for me (I was a prostitute and I sold Pot out of my locker during 7th and 8th grade). For most of those 2 years it was just my mom and myself (and the random guy she would have living with us). My mom worked nights at a truck stop and money was really scarce. I was doing pretty good in the money department (I often had more cash than she did since my two jobs paid much better than hers). Sometimes I would even stick cash in her purse where she would just think she had a better night at work than she remembered.
High School was really differnt for me, I was really coming into my own. It was a pretty small school so not to many clicks.
I stilled spend my extra time walking the streets for money and love/attention....
My grades start to climb and get get and better and I start to get more and more popular..
But by my junior year I started having some pretty serious bouts of depression. I was no longer walking the streets but was having LOTS of casual sex with anyone who was interested.
My junior year was also when I started having pretty serious thoughts of no longer wanting to live.
One time I drank 2 bottles of cold medicine and tied my self up in a extra large trash bag. My thinking was the cold meds would put me to sleep and I could suffocate in the trash bags. Of course it didn't work and I cried my self to sleep begging GOD to not let me wake up.
I would say I tried various versions of this over the next couple of years and even ended up in the in the ER a few times. My parents always reacted to this with me just being spoiled and trying to get attention.
At this stage in the game there was NO talk of any of the abuse (sexual or otherwise) in the family.

sex equals love???

I'm not going to spend my time on this but about the age of 12 I realized that if I walked the downtown streets I can "pick up" guys and they will give me money if I do the things that Randy had been doing to me for free for years. So now I'm a 12 year old prostitute. Some guys made me feel really special and some guys were mean and very rough. But I was able to hold out for the guys who made me feel special. This went on for several years while at the same time my mom seemed to be doing the same thing by dateing lots of different guys and we moved from place to place and guy to guy.

molestion the same as RAPE???

My first memory of being molested is when I'm about 5 years old. Wayne had been beating the shit of me and mom so she sneaks me out of the house to spend some time with my Grandma.
while there my Uncle Randy tells me that if I don't "help him out" he will tell my grandma to get rid of me (and then I have to go back to Wayne). So my first memories of Randy is of me giving him a blow job when I'm 5 years old. I have the most painful memories of that asshole. My Grandmother was my favorite person in the whole wide world. She is the only person I have ever know who truly loved me unconditionally and Randy used those feeling to rape me (physically and emotionally). How many times did my mom send me to my grandmothers house thinking she was protecting me only to actually be putting me in more danger!
That continues until I'm at least 10 years old:((
I just want to add to this, many years later when I'm in therapy Randy refuses to admit what he did to me and in fact calls me a spoiled brat who just needs to grow up.
My parents actually believe me but feel that GOD wants me to forgive Randy and welcome him back into my life (like they have). My parents actually feel that I"m the bigger sinner because I can not forgive him and get on with my life. Randy has been acussed of doing the same thing to many people over the years (even his youngest sister and one of his daughters) and I am the only one in the family who hasn't been able to move on. Every year at Christmas and Thanksgiving my mom and I have an argument over whether or not he can be there while I'm there. I even have to make her promise he won't come around my son while he is visiting over the summer.

my first step towards healing

This is the first attempt at writing down my past so please bare with me, I'm really nervous.

My mom found out the day of her high school graduation that she was pregnant! My grandmother didn't like the guy so she had him sign papers that said if he didn't pursue "father" rights my mother wouldn't pursue child support and he signed... My grandmother helps my mom and really ends up being my parent while my mom is just the occasional babysitter.
My mom is working at the local greyhound bus stop and meets this guy called Wayne (who is getting home from prison) and marries him 2 months later (I'm 1 year old). I grow up knowing Wayne as my dad..
Wayne is VERY abusive and does some crazy mean things to my mom and I for the first 10 years of my life. I have crazy memories of him that are very unorganized so bear with me as I try and write them down.
I will say right up front that I have NO memories of him every being proud of me as his "son"!!!
I only have BAD memories of him. I honestly don't think having him as a dad was any worse than living in a concentration camp. I actually feared for my life many times (as well as the life of my mom).
I don't have a "real" order of my memories but I do have LOTS of crazy memories that I'm willing to share:
first: I'm about 5 years old and my mom is gone and I'm crying wanting her back. Wayne actually puts me in a closet with a bottle and LOCKS the door. I'm stuck there until my mom gets home and gets me out of the closet.
Second: Wayne goes into the bathroom and finds pee on the toilet lid and calls me in. He beats the shit out of me and actually beats me until I try and climb behind the toilet He then pisses all over me and says "that's what you deserve"!!
Third: Wayne ask me to "draw" him a bath and finds its to hot. He takes me into the kitchen and holds my hands over the stove until I'm screaming and says "next time down't make the water so hot"!!!
4th: he ask me to "draw" his bath water and of course its to hot so he takes me into the kitchen where my mom is boiling potatoes and sticks my hands into the pot of boiling water until I scream!!!! That's what I get for making his bath water to hot...
5th: he thinks my mom is flirting with his brother so he ties her to a bed and has 2 other men come in and have sex with her while he makes me sit on the bedroom floor and watch. He then goes on to tell me this is what will happen to me if I lie. I actually am made to watch strange men have sex with my mom????
6th: My mom gets the courage to take me and leave him. He barges into my class room and actually steals me from the class telling the teacher to "fuck off". He hides me at his brothers house while he blackmails my mom. He says hes going to kill me if she doesn't come home. Of course she comes home....
I need to stop here but just know I have a milllion of these stories......

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

2 years and still looking back

Tomorrow is my 2 year "anniversary" of my Gastric Bypass Surgery:))
I seems impossible to tell you how different life is for me now. I spent the last hour reading all my past posts and I'm very saddened by them. I guess I just didn't realize how miserable I was as a "fat" person.
If I had to describe myself to someone who has never seen me I would say that I'm on the larger size of normal and VERY active. I do go to the gym 6 days a week!!!
When I look in the mirror or if I was to draw a picture of myself I still see myself as a 400 lbs person and I'm still struggling with that!!!
There is still rarely a day goes by that someone doesn't comment on how different I look and I always smile and say "thank you", but in my heart I think they are lying!! I know how strange it sounds but every time I look in the mirror I see something different. One time a normal size person and the next time a HUGE person.
Ive had a HUGE change in my life. My personal trainer "Jesse" has dumped me and I'm having a HUGE problem dealing with that. I have know for some time that he was trying to get out of training full time but when it happened I have taken it VERY personally. I don't want to spend to much time on this but I really have been DEVASTATED!!!! He really has been the only person who has been with me from the start who I really have confided in. Even my partner hasn't given me the support Jesse has. He knows things about me that almost no one else knows. Things I'm not even comfortable writing about here!! (things I go on to talk about in later post)
So Jesse picked out a new trainer for me (his name is Caleb) and I'm now starting my second month with him. I just now feel like the scabs are starting to turn to scars from Jesse and I have sworn to myself that I will not get as close to Caleb as I did to Jesse and so far I'm doing good.
My goal here is to write down my actual history (why I think I got so FAT) in the next few weeks. I do feel like I've made some great connections and that is the "first step to healing"...
I will say that with Caleb I say right up front what I don't like (don't touch me, and don't help me unless I ask), where with Jesse I put with it for a few times before I got the courage to speak up. With that said I feel SO bad for Caleb, he is SO nice and is great with dealing with me but he has to think i'm the biggest FREAK ever!!
On to the current business: I am out of "personal trainer sessions" in the middle of May and I have to now deal with "do I resign or not". Even though Jesse had told me he wasn't going to train for ever I really hadn't processed that I might need to do this on my own soon. And now the time is getting near. So today I told Caleb if I can lose 20 lbs (that will make a total of 200 lbs) by the end of our sessions I will reward myself with another package. But if not than I need to accept that what I weight now is what I'm going to weight and deal with it. I don't need a trainer for "maintenance".
As much as I am thankful for the surgery and do think of it as one if not the biggest blessing in my whole life and am surprised at how my "shit" I still have going thru my mind.
It almost seems that I trust others even less, I am going to have to deal with this!!!