Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pass or Fail

I had lunch with a friend the other day and he made an "obersvation" about me. He said that I view everything as a Pass or Fail. It really struck a cord with me and has been on my mind ever since. I have to agree 100% but I also have to say this is a new thing for me. Before I "met" this friend I thought I had the best relationship I had ever had with God. I was at a great place where I seemed to think that "anything" goes as long as no one gets hurt. I was so caught up in "love thy neighbor" and all other things didn't seem to matter. Sounds like the way a "hippie" lives.
I certainly agree that I viewed other aspects of my life in the "pass or fail" way. I also agree that no one judges me harder that I judge myself.
I think my friend was trying to tell me to ease up a bit on myself, that maybe I've gone to far in the other direction.
I actually find this VERY comforting. I would love to be able to go back to something less stressful and with much less judgement.
Even though I would much rather go back to my old relationship with God where all I needed to do was focus on "Love thy Neighbor" I realize that my new much more personal relationship with God is a much more real one but it also opens me up for a "pass or fail" relationship with God and that just isn't working for me. It's very stressful for me, I'm obsessed with all the things that I do that God doesn't like. I really want to go back to a much for "loving" relationship with God.
I know in my heart that I am a product of him and thus he must love me, but my head says differently. I have never in my life been so insecure and I'm sure this is why I'm drinking 3 to 5 bottles of wine a day.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


This is a very unorganized post and I'm sorry if that bothers you but I have alot of random thoughts that I just need to get out.
Drinking- my drinking is still going strong but it's easily cut in half. I realize this is no where near a success but I'm going with "one day at a time" and with that I see it as progress:(
I have started "looking" at "the power of attraction" again and I'm going further with it this time and I'm (as always) really thinking it hits home for me.
I'm starting to wondering if this strange friendship I'm developing with my "starbucks" friend isn't part of this way of thinking and I'm trying hard to keep an open mind when it comes to him.
This is a typical example of how my past is causing me to miss out on things in my current life.
This guy is trying to "advance" our friendship but I just can't bring myself to trust him and keep canceling on him so that we are only able to meet/visit at Starbucks .
Im reallying wondering if God hasn't brought him into my life because Yoga is what I need to help my mind to calm down?
I am SO interested in Yoga but I'm just way to shy to even bring up this topic with him and I actually don't think I could even take a class with him and I'm just trying hard to get up the courage to ask his advise on this but I still can't do it:((((
ha ha

Thursday, September 29, 2011

still drinking

Well, I've now been to 2 AA meetings and actually felt a bit more comfortable on the second visit and actually got "called out" and made to read and then speak (and I didn't puke). Everyone is SO nice, it's really amazing. A couple of people suggested that I try the "new comers" meetings on Sunday. It's a series of 6 meetings that are supposed to get you more familiar with how things work in AA (which is still a bit confusing for me) so I will go to my first one this Sunday.
I was doing so good last week and went 3 full days without drinking and I actually felt MUCH better and then on the 4th day I was feeling really stressed over a family argument and chose to turn to wine. It was a horrible mistake and as soon as I started the first bottle I went down hill fast. 3 bottles later I had made an ass out of my self with a friend who I care about alot. It was a disaster!!!!!
And I've drank everyday since:( I'm drinking first thing in the morning and all the way until bedtime:(
I HATE the person I am becoming and i blame it all on the booze:((

Friday, September 23, 2011

1rst step

This past Wednesday I drank 5 bottles of wine. 1 before 8:30am on my way to work. The second I keep in my car and snuck out several times during my work shift and actually finished that bottle before my work shift was over and then I stopped on my way home and bought 2 more bottles and finished them before 6 pm that night so I walked up to the store for the 5th.
I actually got up in the middle of the night and checked to be sure I didn't have any left.
I did make it to the gym by 5;45 am the next morning but dude was I a mess.
My family wasn't speaking to me they were so mad at me over it and my husband "laid down the law" and basically said that I was destroying out family.
I had read 2 of the AA books I had bought and spent quite a bit of time on their website so I decided I HAD to get to my first meeting.
I found a meeting at 9:30 am that morning and drove around it 3 different times and chickened out and went to the park to read from the prayer book I bought and decided that I would try again for the 11:15 am meeting. So I made up my mind that I had to do this.
I pulled up at the meeting and didn't even sit in my car I just walked up and talked to a couple of guys who were hanging out on the porch. They welcomed me in right away and really made the process as easy as possible.
I was SO nervous and just knew I would throw up before it was all over.
Well, it was amazing. Everyone was so nice and everyone of them told me their store and how much better their life was without booze. It really was very inspiring.
So it's been 2 says now without ANY booze and my stomach is a mess. I've had terrible cramps and lots of diarrhea.
My "temptation" level is much lower than I expected but I'm worried about the weekend. My plan is to make sure I don't have anytime alone. I really don't think I can trust myself just yet.
My husband said he was really proud of me the day I went to the meeting and hasn't brought it up since. I really think I could use someone to talk to about this. Everyone at the group suggested I get a sponsor asap even if I only get a temporary one. I'm guessing this is why.
I am proud of myself for taking this step and I know if I join this AA group they will be there for me and I know that GOD is always there for me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

12 steps for me?

Well, I've bought 3 books about Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Step program and today is my first day in WEEKS without a single drink. I was up to about 3 bottles of wine a day and for the last week I've been "sneaking" all most all of my drinking from my family and friends. Last week my partner and our son had and "intervention" with me and basically screamed at me for an hour and told me how I was ruining our family and they had had enough. My son said he was actually thinking about living with someone else if I didn't stop drinking. So I agreed to not drink at home for 2 weeks and we would just see how much better things got for everyone and then reevaluate. So the very next day I started drinking just as much if not more but sneaking it.
As soon as everyone was out of the house in the morning (8am) I would head to the store and buy bottle 1 and then 2 hours later would walk back up for bottle 2 (and this was all before going to work that afternoon). I would stop on my way home from work at night and buy more and drink it in the car before going inside. It's SO PATHETIC!!!! My anxiety is going thru the roof and I'm drunk dialing all my friends. My doctor told me that drinking while taking my anxiety meds it would actually make my anxiety attacks much worse.
So I bought a 12 step book yesterday and also a prayer book to go along with it and started reading them (while drinking a bottle of wine). This morning I had a terrible workout with my trainer (my anxiety was thru the roof and now I'm actually thinking he's trying to be mean to me. I know for sure it's all in my head and I feel terrible for thinking such things about him and I also know for sure it's all because of the wine and the meds combined).
So later today I bought the AA Big Book on audio and went for a really long walk. It really seems to make since and I guess I will do my best to do "one day at a time" and today was my first sober day. I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow because I will have several hours after work but before my family gets home and that is perfect time for sneaking a drink. My plan is to go straight to the gym from work and that should kill enough time for my son to get home from school. I'll say my prayers and do my best:))
I can not keep treating my family and friends this way......

Sunday, July 31, 2011

it's not all bad

I have had the greatest day and just wanted to share. I know that my last SEVERAL post have been pretty drepressing but over all I still think of myself as an upbeat kind of guy.
I was up by 7am and headed to Starbucks for my morning coffee. I sat there and read up on the days news and checked my emails and then headed off to the gym. I had a really good workout (it was my second day this week of adding running back into my workouts and it felt amazing).
I wasn't able to spend anytime in the basements of the gym doing weights but I did do a great chest and arm routine and left with my upper body feeling like jello. lol
Went home and got lunch started on the stove and then my kid and I headed out to try and new church. We havent been to church in over a year and I have felt terrible about that but I just haven't been able to get my shit together and get my family into church again. We are a family divided when it comes to church and it's very stressful.
So I begged my partner to go with me to check this new church out and he refused but suggested I ask our teenage boy so I did and he agreed. We both had a great time and agreed to go back next week.
After church we came home and got lunch ready for my trainer and his wife to come over. We planned on having lunch and then heading out to the local farm to pick peaches.
Lunch was fantasic and so was spending the afternoon at the farm. We really did have a fantastic time together.
We had some good conversation and learned new things about each other.
Now I'm getting ready to head out to dinner with another friend.
It's been a fantastic day of "fellowship"......

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

second visit with Joan

Today was my second visit with Joan (my new therapist). We spent the whole hour with me giving graphic details of all the abuse I've been thru in my WHOLE life.
It was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand why we had to do this but I can't explain how this ruined my whole frigging day. I left this appointment and went right into the salon with a full day of appointments. It was like we picked all the scabs off of my wounds and then I wasn't aloud to bleed.
At the end of our hour I had describe how I know the thoughts that go thru my head are bullshit but in my heart I feel/know I'm nothing but trash.
I am so afraid that the truth is that I was brought into this world to be nothing other than shit for others to abuse.
I'm trying SO hard to be a better person but in my heart I know I'm only here to make others feel better about themselves.
I have always had this weird feeling that "in a prior life I was a wonderful servant" and now I'm wondering if that really means that I was a slave used only as a piece of shit put on earth so that someone else could use me to feel better about themselves?
If in my heart I know I'm not worthy of another persons love how in the hell can I be worthy of GODs love?
Today's breakthrough was when I'm having an anxiety attack all I can say is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don''t be mad at me!!!!!". That is me being 5 years old and my dad beating the living shit out of me and me trying with all I have to convince him that I will do better if he just gives me a chance.
My partner has NEVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me in ANY WAY, but I can't stop my self from saying "I'm Sorry, please don't be mad at me". Even with my trainer when I start freaking out all I want to say is "I'm sorry" and then I'm scared he will be mad at me for saying "I'm sorry" so I'm left with nothing to say:(
I want GOD to love me and I want to have a realationship with him but I'm so scared that even he will try and teach me a lession and I just don't have it in me to be beat down any more.
I can't do this. Once you think your nothing but trash how can you go lower???