Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pass or Fail

I had lunch with a friend the other day and he made an "obersvation" about me. He said that I view everything as a Pass or Fail. It really struck a cord with me and has been on my mind ever since. I have to agree 100% but I also have to say this is a new thing for me. Before I "met" this friend I thought I had the best relationship I had ever had with God. I was at a great place where I seemed to think that "anything" goes as long as no one gets hurt. I was so caught up in "love thy neighbor" and all other things didn't seem to matter. Sounds like the way a "hippie" lives.
I certainly agree that I viewed other aspects of my life in the "pass or fail" way. I also agree that no one judges me harder that I judge myself.
I think my friend was trying to tell me to ease up a bit on myself, that maybe I've gone to far in the other direction.
I actually find this VERY comforting. I would love to be able to go back to something less stressful and with much less judgement.
Even though I would much rather go back to my old relationship with God where all I needed to do was focus on "Love thy Neighbor" I realize that my new much more personal relationship with God is a much more real one but it also opens me up for a "pass or fail" relationship with God and that just isn't working for me. It's very stressful for me, I'm obsessed with all the things that I do that God doesn't like. I really want to go back to a much for "loving" relationship with God.
I know in my heart that I am a product of him and thus he must love me, but my head says differently. I have never in my life been so insecure and I'm sure this is why I'm drinking 3 to 5 bottles of wine a day.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


This is a very unorganized post and I'm sorry if that bothers you but I have alot of random thoughts that I just need to get out.
Drinking- my drinking is still going strong but it's easily cut in half. I realize this is no where near a success but I'm going with "one day at a time" and with that I see it as progress:(
I have started "looking" at "the power of attraction" again and I'm going further with it this time and I'm (as always) really thinking it hits home for me.
I'm starting to wondering if this strange friendship I'm developing with my "starbucks" friend isn't part of this way of thinking and I'm trying hard to keep an open mind when it comes to him.
This is a typical example of how my past is causing me to miss out on things in my current life.
This guy is trying to "advance" our friendship but I just can't bring myself to trust him and keep canceling on him so that we are only able to meet/visit at Starbucks .
Im reallying wondering if God hasn't brought him into my life because Yoga is what I need to help my mind to calm down?
I am SO interested in Yoga but I'm just way to shy to even bring up this topic with him and I actually don't think I could even take a class with him and I'm just trying hard to get up the courage to ask his advise on this but I still can't do it:((((
ha ha