it's not all bad

I have had the greatest day and just wanted to share. I know that my last SEVERAL post have been pretty drepressing but over all I still think of myself as an upbeat kind of guy.
I was up by 7am and headed to Starbucks for my morning coffee. I sat there and read up on the days news and checked my emails and then headed off to the gym. I had a really good workout (it was my second day this week of adding running back into my workouts and it felt amazing).
I wasn't able to spend anytime in the basements of the gym doing weights but I did do a great chest and arm routine and left with my upper body feeling like jello. lol
Went home and got lunch started on the stove and then my kid and I headed out to try and new church. We havent been to church in over a year and I have felt terrible about that but I just haven't been able to get my shit together and get my family into church again. We are a family divided when it comes to church and it's very stressful.
So I begged my partner to go with me to check this new church out and he refused but suggested I ask our teenage boy so I did and he agreed. We both had a great time and agreed to go back next week.
After church we came home and got lunch ready for my trainer and his wife to come over. We planned on having lunch and then heading out to the local farm to pick peaches.
Lunch was fantasic and so was spending the afternoon at the farm. We really did have a fantastic time together.
We had some good conversation and learned new things about each other.
Now I'm getting ready to head out to dinner with another friend.
It's been a fantastic day of "fellowship"......

second visit with Joan

Today was my second visit with Joan (my new therapist). We spent the whole hour with me giving graphic details of all the abuse I've been thru in my WHOLE life.
It was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand why we had to do this but I can't explain how this ruined my whole frigging day. I left this appointment and went right into the salon with a full day of appointments. It was like we picked all the scabs off of my wounds and then I wasn't aloud to bleed.
At the end of our hour I had describe how I know the thoughts that go thru my head are bullshit but in my heart I feel/know I'm nothing but trash.
I am so afraid that the truth is that I was brought into this world to be nothing other than shit for others to abuse.
I'm trying SO hard to be a better person but in my heart I know I'm only here to make others feel better about themselves.
I have always had this weird feeling that "in a prior life I was a wonderful servant" and now I'm wondering if that really means that I was a slave used only as a piece of shit put on earth so that someone else could use me to feel better about themselves?
If in my heart I know I'm not worthy of another persons love how in the hell can I be worthy of GODs love?
Today's breakthrough was when I'm having an anxiety attack all I can say is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don''t be mad at me!!!!!". That is me being 5 years old and my dad beating the living shit out of me and me trying with all I have to convince him that I will do better if he just gives me a chance.
My partner has NEVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me in ANY WAY, but I can't stop my self from saying "I'm Sorry, please don't be mad at me". Even with my trainer when I start freaking out all I want to say is "I'm sorry" and then I'm scared he will be mad at me for saying "I'm sorry" so I'm left with nothing to say:(
I want GOD to love me and I want to have a realationship with him but I'm so scared that even he will try and teach me a lession and I just don't have it in me to be beat down any more.
I can't do this. Once you think your nothing but trash how can you go lower???

quick update and then on the real shit

Today I had my second session with my new therapist and it was horrible so I just want to give a quick update before I move onto why today was so bad/hard for me.

Two weeks ago I had my first appointment with my new therapist Joan. This was the result of my partner DEMANDING that I do something about how bad I've been feeling. First thing we did was call our "employee assistant program" and after answering several VERY personal questions I was told that my problems were WAY to serious for what they were offering and I needed at least a year of intense therapy and not the 5 visits they could give me:((
So I have my first session with Joan and it goes pretty well. I give her a basic overview of the anixioty I am going thru and we talk about how I have a hystory of dipression but not a history of anixioty and this new emotion isnt working for me.
After alot of talking I realize that my biggist problem is "the GYM" (have ALOT of "rules" for my trainer at the gym". So Joan suggest that I pick one of the "rules" that I have at the gym and work on getting past this "one rule at a time".
So I go back to my trainer and repeat this saying "Can you please stop my "no touching" rule" and help me get over this? He was fine with it and we agreed we would work on this one thing at at time.

follow up

it's been about 8 hours since my last post and I've stopped crying but I'm sure that isn't going to last thru the end of this post.

I've reread the post a couple of times during the day and I know I should be embarrassed by it but I'm not and in fact I somewhat proud of it. I've noticed a trend in my last few post and that trend is: they are getting more and more honest. More real. They don't hurt any less and if possible im actually hurting more but it would seem that I have to hit bottom before I can crawl to God and beg him to help me become whole again.

437andtired or 237andscared? CHOOSE!!!

I left the gym crying my eyes out again today. I had a great workout in the since of I was sweating my ass off and did a fairly hard workout but all that kept going thru my head is I'm a loser, I'm nothing but trash and I'm never going to be anything but a loser. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or not I'm still a loser. I try SO hard at the gym and we still keep coming across things that I just cant get right. Today we were doing some sort of "clean and press" and my trainer was being so nice about it but I just couldn't get it and right away I just kicked into "your a loser" mode and it ruined the rest of my workout. I'm so afraid he's going to see me for what I really am and fire me just like the last trainer. I had dinner last night with my trainer and his wife (at my suggestion) and I (as always) had such a great time with them. They have such a calming and nurturing affect on me. I really love spending time with them but I also know this relationship can't work out, so why do I keep setting myself up for the hurt that is going to come. I really do believe that God has brought them into my life for a reason but I'm so afraid that the reason is going to be something bad. Something to remind me that I'm not supposed to trust people and love people because I'm not worthy of that. Or that I'm a horrible sinner and until I stop sinning I will never be happy.

I don't understand how the harder I work to have a better body the harder my mind works against me. It seems like I am going to have to choose - 437andtired, or 237andscared?

I'm really wondering if the changes I've been trying to make in my life are not a huge mistake. I decided a while back to try and have more "real" relationships and not "superficial" ones so I have told 3 of my straight male friends (my 2 trainers and 1 actual friend) about my past. EVERYTHING!!! And I even went for drinks with a male client who had been trying to get me to do something social with him for years. The purpose was, I was afraid that God was bringing people into my life to help me and I was "denying" them thous denying God a chance to help me. Well now 3 people know my story and I feel even more afraid and vulnerable.

The light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I do have an apt with a therapist this coming week and I am feeling very hopeful about that.