Wednesday, July 27, 2011

second visit with Joan

Today was my second visit with Joan (my new therapist). We spent the whole hour with me giving graphic details of all the abuse I've been thru in my WHOLE life.
It was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand why we had to do this but I can't explain how this ruined my whole frigging day. I left this appointment and went right into the salon with a full day of appointments. It was like we picked all the scabs off of my wounds and then I wasn't aloud to bleed.
At the end of our hour I had describe how I know the thoughts that go thru my head are bullshit but in my heart I feel/know I'm nothing but trash.
I am so afraid that the truth is that I was brought into this world to be nothing other than shit for others to abuse.
I'm trying SO hard to be a better person but in my heart I know I'm only here to make others feel better about themselves.
I have always had this weird feeling that "in a prior life I was a wonderful servant" and now I'm wondering if that really means that I was a slave used only as a piece of shit put on earth so that someone else could use me to feel better about themselves?
If in my heart I know I'm not worthy of another persons love how in the hell can I be worthy of GODs love?
Today's breakthrough was when I'm having an anxiety attack all I can say is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don''t be mad at me!!!!!". That is me being 5 years old and my dad beating the living shit out of me and me trying with all I have to convince him that I will do better if he just gives me a chance.
My partner has NEVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me in ANY WAY, but I can't stop my self from saying "I'm Sorry, please don't be mad at me". Even with my trainer when I start freaking out all I want to say is "I'm sorry" and then I'm scared he will be mad at me for saying "I'm sorry" so I'm left with nothing to say:(
I want GOD to love me and I want to have a realationship with him but I'm so scared that even he will try and teach me a lession and I just don't have it in me to be beat down any more.
I can't do this. Once you think your nothing but trash how can you go lower???

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