I left the gym crying my eyes out again today. I had a great workout in the since of I was sweating my ass off and did a fairly hard workout but all that kept going thru my head is I'm a loser, I'm nothing but trash and I'm never going to be anything but a loser. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or not I'm still a loser. I try SO hard at the gym and we still keep coming across things that I just cant get right. Today we were doing some sort of "clean and press" and my trainer was being so nice about it but I just couldn't get it and right away I just kicked into "your a loser" mode and it ruined the rest of my workout. I'm so afraid he's going to see me for what I really am and fire me just like the last trainer. I had dinner last night with my trainer and his wife (at my suggestion) and I (as always) had such a great time with them. They have such a calming and nurturing affect on me. I really love spending time with them but I also know this relationship can't work out, so why do I keep setting myself up for the hurt that is going to come. I really do believe that God has brought them into my life for a reason but I'm so afraid that the reason is going to be something bad. Something to remind me that I'm not supposed to trust people and love people because I'm not worthy of that. Or that I'm a horrible sinner and until I stop sinning I will never be happy.
I don't understand how the harder I work to have a better body the harder my mind works against me. It seems like I am going to have to choose - 437andtired, or 237andscared?
I'm really wondering if the changes I've been trying to make in my life are not a huge mistake. I decided a while back to try and have more "real" relationships and not "superficial" ones so I have told 3 of my straight male friends (my 2 trainers and 1 actual friend) about my past. EVERYTHING!!! And I even went for drinks with a male client who had been trying to get me to do something social with him for years. The purpose was, I was afraid that God was bringing people into my life to help me and I was "denying" them thous denying God a chance to help me. Well now 3 people know my story and I feel even more afraid and vulnerable.
The light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I do have an apt with a therapist this coming week and I am feeling very hopeful about that.
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