Thursday, September 29, 2011

still drinking

Well, I've now been to 2 AA meetings and actually felt a bit more comfortable on the second visit and actually got "called out" and made to read and then speak (and I didn't puke). Everyone is SO nice, it's really amazing. A couple of people suggested that I try the "new comers" meetings on Sunday. It's a series of 6 meetings that are supposed to get you more familiar with how things work in AA (which is still a bit confusing for me) so I will go to my first one this Sunday.
I was doing so good last week and went 3 full days without drinking and I actually felt MUCH better and then on the 4th day I was feeling really stressed over a family argument and chose to turn to wine. It was a horrible mistake and as soon as I started the first bottle I went down hill fast. 3 bottles later I had made an ass out of my self with a friend who I care about alot. It was a disaster!!!!!
And I've drank everyday since:( I'm drinking first thing in the morning and all the way until bedtime:(
I HATE the person I am becoming and i blame it all on the booze:((

Friday, September 23, 2011

1rst step

This past Wednesday I drank 5 bottles of wine. 1 before 8:30am on my way to work. The second I keep in my car and snuck out several times during my work shift and actually finished that bottle before my work shift was over and then I stopped on my way home and bought 2 more bottles and finished them before 6 pm that night so I walked up to the store for the 5th.
I actually got up in the middle of the night and checked to be sure I didn't have any left.
I did make it to the gym by 5;45 am the next morning but dude was I a mess.
My family wasn't speaking to me they were so mad at me over it and my husband "laid down the law" and basically said that I was destroying out family.
I had read 2 of the AA books I had bought and spent quite a bit of time on their website so I decided I HAD to get to my first meeting.
I found a meeting at 9:30 am that morning and drove around it 3 different times and chickened out and went to the park to read from the prayer book I bought and decided that I would try again for the 11:15 am meeting. So I made up my mind that I had to do this.
I pulled up at the meeting and didn't even sit in my car I just walked up and talked to a couple of guys who were hanging out on the porch. They welcomed me in right away and really made the process as easy as possible.
I was SO nervous and just knew I would throw up before it was all over.
Well, it was amazing. Everyone was so nice and everyone of them told me their store and how much better their life was without booze. It really was very inspiring.
So it's been 2 says now without ANY booze and my stomach is a mess. I've had terrible cramps and lots of diarrhea.
My "temptation" level is much lower than I expected but I'm worried about the weekend. My plan is to make sure I don't have anytime alone. I really don't think I can trust myself just yet.
My husband said he was really proud of me the day I went to the meeting and hasn't brought it up since. I really think I could use someone to talk to about this. Everyone at the group suggested I get a sponsor asap even if I only get a temporary one. I'm guessing this is why.
I am proud of myself for taking this step and I know if I join this AA group they will be there for me and I know that GOD is always there for me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

12 steps for me?

Well, I've bought 3 books about Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Step program and today is my first day in WEEKS without a single drink. I was up to about 3 bottles of wine a day and for the last week I've been "sneaking" all most all of my drinking from my family and friends. Last week my partner and our son had and "intervention" with me and basically screamed at me for an hour and told me how I was ruining our family and they had had enough. My son said he was actually thinking about living with someone else if I didn't stop drinking. So I agreed to not drink at home for 2 weeks and we would just see how much better things got for everyone and then reevaluate. So the very next day I started drinking just as much if not more but sneaking it.
As soon as everyone was out of the house in the morning (8am) I would head to the store and buy bottle 1 and then 2 hours later would walk back up for bottle 2 (and this was all before going to work that afternoon). I would stop on my way home from work at night and buy more and drink it in the car before going inside. It's SO PATHETIC!!!! My anxiety is going thru the roof and I'm drunk dialing all my friends. My doctor told me that drinking while taking my anxiety meds it would actually make my anxiety attacks much worse.
So I bought a 12 step book yesterday and also a prayer book to go along with it and started reading them (while drinking a bottle of wine). This morning I had a terrible workout with my trainer (my anxiety was thru the roof and now I'm actually thinking he's trying to be mean to me. I know for sure it's all in my head and I feel terrible for thinking such things about him and I also know for sure it's all because of the wine and the meds combined).
So later today I bought the AA Big Book on audio and went for a really long walk. It really seems to make since and I guess I will do my best to do "one day at a time" and today was my first sober day. I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow because I will have several hours after work but before my family gets home and that is perfect time for sneaking a drink. My plan is to go straight to the gym from work and that should kill enough time for my son to get home from school. I'll say my prayers and do my best:))
I can not keep treating my family and friends this way......