Tuesday, September 13, 2011
12 steps for me?
Well, I've bought 3 books about Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Step program and today is my first day in WEEKS without a single drink. I was up to about 3 bottles of wine a day and for the last week I've been "sneaking" all most all of my drinking from my family and friends. Last week my partner and our son had and "intervention" with me and basically screamed at me for an hour and told me how I was ruining our family and they had had enough. My son said he was actually thinking about living with someone else if I didn't stop drinking. So I agreed to not drink at home for 2 weeks and we would just see how much better things got for everyone and then reevaluate. So the very next day I started drinking just as much if not more but sneaking it.
As soon as everyone was out of the house in the morning (8am) I would head to the store and buy bottle 1 and then 2 hours later would walk back up for bottle 2 (and this was all before going to work that afternoon). I would stop on my way home from work at night and buy more and drink it in the car before going inside. It's SO PATHETIC!!!! My anxiety is going thru the roof and I'm drunk dialing all my friends. My doctor told me that drinking while taking my anxiety meds it would actually make my anxiety attacks much worse.
So I bought a 12 step book yesterday and also a prayer book to go along with it and started reading them (while drinking a bottle of wine). This morning I had a terrible workout with my trainer (my anxiety was thru the roof and now I'm actually thinking he's trying to be mean to me. I know for sure it's all in my head and I feel terrible for thinking such things about him and I also know for sure it's all because of the wine and the meds combined).
So later today I bought the AA Big Book on audio and went for a really long walk. It really seems to make since and I guess I will do my best to do "one day at a time" and today was my first sober day. I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow because I will have several hours after work but before my family gets home and that is perfect time for sneaking a drink. My plan is to go straight to the gym from work and that should kill enough time for my son to get home from school. I'll say my prayers and do my best:))
I can not keep treating my family and friends this way......