Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I have been an emotional mess lately. I've been having anxiety attacks at the gym for several months now and the last few weeks I've started having them in my normal everyday life also. I've also had a few "crying" fits (thank the lord only when I'm home and only when I'm alone). Although when I try and talk to my partner about this I ALWAYS start crying again and then feel horrible guilty.
Just over a month ago I was out on a run and hurt my foot. I've been to the Dr twice, got an xray and seen a PT. My medical "team" has pulled me off of all cardio and not only am I going stir crazy I also now realize just how much I used my treadmill runs as therapy. I am not a fan of outside running but i LOVE getting on the treadmill, putting headphones in and just going until I'm dead. I can really process alot of my "shit" there.
It's strange and somewhat funny that the gym is the place where I feel the most "unsafe" and "crazy" when I'm being pushed by my trainer and then the next day feel amazing on the treadmill.
I can't get a true feeling of being "safe" on outside runs but on the treadmill where I can see everyone around me and with my headphones in no one trys to talk to me. It's very "controlled" and I LOVE IT.
Since my foot has me on the sidelines I haven't found a new way to process my crap. I've been drinking ALOT and when I'm under the influence my emotions get even more carried away.
I've been having lots of nightmares again. Same shit as always, someone is chasing me trying to kill me. There's always a lot of blood and drama. Although I will say that I don't seemed to be waking up stressed out like I normally do when I have these rounds of nightmares.
I'm on vacation all this week and my only goal was to get an apt scheduled with a therapist. So that is what I'm going to do tomorrow. I've put it off as long as I can. I really dread therapy because of all the shit it stirs up from my past but I am SO tired of not being at peace.
I am so afraid I'm going to get fat again and I'm wondering if that isn't at some level what I actually want? My new body just does't match my self esteem or my self worth. Back when I weighed 437 I could look at myself in the mirror and see that I was a disgusting on the outside as I was on the inside. Even though I still don't believe people when I say "you look so amazing" and when I look in mirror I still see disgusting but it's a different kind of disgusting:(