Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pass or Fail

I had lunch with a friend the other day and he made an "obersvation" about me. He said that I view everything as a Pass or Fail. It really struck a cord with me and has been on my mind ever since. I have to agree 100% but I also have to say this is a new thing for me. Before I "met" this friend I thought I had the best relationship I had ever had with God. I was at a great place where I seemed to think that "anything" goes as long as no one gets hurt. I was so caught up in "love thy neighbor" and all other things didn't seem to matter. Sounds like the way a "hippie" lives.
I certainly agree that I viewed other aspects of my life in the "pass or fail" way. I also agree that no one judges me harder that I judge myself.
I think my friend was trying to tell me to ease up a bit on myself, that maybe I've gone to far in the other direction.
I actually find this VERY comforting. I would love to be able to go back to something less stressful and with much less judgement.
Even though I would much rather go back to my old relationship with God where all I needed to do was focus on "Love thy Neighbor" I realize that my new much more personal relationship with God is a much more real one but it also opens me up for a "pass or fail" relationship with God and that just isn't working for me. It's very stressful for me, I'm obsessed with all the things that I do that God doesn't like. I really want to go back to a much for "loving" relationship with God.
I know in my heart that I am a product of him and thus he must love me, but my head says differently. I have never in my life been so insecure and I'm sure this is why I'm drinking 3 to 5 bottles of wine a day.

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