I seems impossible to tell you how different life is for me now. I spent the last hour reading all my past posts and I'm very saddened by them. I guess I just didn't realize how miserable I was as a "fat" person.
If I had to describe myself to someone who has never seen me I would say that I'm on the larger size of normal and VERY active. I do go to the gym 6 days a week!!!
When I look in the mirror or if I was to draw a picture of myself I still see myself as a 400 lbs person and I'm still struggling with that!!!
There is still rarely a day goes by that someone doesn't comment on how different I look and I always smile and say "thank you", but in my heart I think they are lying!! I know how strange it sounds but every time I look in the mirror I see something different. One time a normal size person and the next time a HUGE person.
Ive had a HUGE change in my life. My personal trainer "Jesse" has dumped me and I'm having a HUGE problem dealing with that. I have know for some time that he was trying to get out of training full time but when it happened I have taken it VERY personally. I don't want to spend to much time on this but I really have been DEVASTATED!!!! He really has been the only person who has been with me from the start who I really have confided in. Even my partner hasn't given me the support Jesse has. He knows things about me that almost no one else knows. Things I'm not even comfortable writing about here!! (things I go on to talk about in later post)
So Jesse picked out a new trainer for me (his name is Caleb) and I'm now starting my second month with him. I just now feel like the scabs are starting to turn to scars from Jesse and I have sworn to myself that I will not get as close to Caleb as I did to Jesse and so far I'm doing good.
My goal here is to write down my actual history (why I think I got so FAT) in the next few weeks. I do feel like I've made some great connections and that is the "first step to healing"...
I will say that with Caleb I say right up front what I don't like (don't touch me, and don't help me unless I ask), where with Jesse I put with it for a few times before I got the courage to speak up. With that said I feel SO bad for Caleb, he is SO nice and is great with dealing with me but he has to think i'm the biggest FREAK ever!!
On to the current business: I am out of "personal trainer sessions" in the middle of May and I have to now deal with "do I resign or not". Even though Jesse had told me he wasn't going to train for ever I really hadn't processed that I might need to do this on my own soon. And now the time is getting near. So today I told Caleb if I can lose 20 lbs (that will make a total of 200 lbs) by the end of our sessions I will reward myself with another package. But if not than I need to accept that what I weight now is what I'm going to weight and deal with it. I don't need a trainer for "maintenance".
As much as I am thankful for the surgery and do think of it as one if not the biggest blessing in my whole life and am surprised at how my "shit" I still have going thru my mind.
It almost seems that I trust others even less, I am going to have to deal with this!!!
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