now on to the real shit

This is the post I've been avoiding all along. for some reason writing about being raped and beat as a child is easier than being raped as an adult. I think for some reason I'm able to think that the shit that happened to me as a child is in no way my fault but the shit that happens to me as an adult I have to accept as my responsibility for some reason. I realize as I'm writing this that it's bullshit but that is not how I feel in my heart.

I'm skipping ahead thru alot of crap (I get hit by a car and spend a year on crutches, miss half of my senior year of school. My mom finally figures out I'm gay and has a melt down. My grandmother stands up for me and tells my mom to get over it. I get a SEVERAL thousand dollar settlement from the car wreck and my mom just gives me a check and says good luck).

So I'm 18 and I talk my best friend into moving away to Phoenix.

So now Charles and I have moved to Phoenix (at 18 years of age), we don't know a soul but we are trying to make it.

Charles and I try to make it for a few months and it's not going well and we decide to split up and go our separate ways.

I move in with this guy named Michael who I met at a bar and things are actually going well.

I'm working for a nursing temp service (during my senior year in high school I get a "certificate" that lets me be a nursing assistant) and easily able to pay my half of the rent.

Michael is a bar whore and so I learn to visit the bars every night in search of happiness.

One night I meet a guy at the bar and we decide to go back to my place. During the walk back to my place we are being followed by a group of guys (5 to be exact). They start yelling gay slang at us and we start running trying to make it home. During the last block we (my "date" and I are separated) and I get tackled in my neighbors yard. I'm only one yard away from making it home!!!!

5 guys take me down in the yard NEXT to mine and start beating the shit out of me. They are kicking me in the head and chest. I can not describe what I am feeling at this moment!!! I really think that GOD has finally answered my prayers and I'm going to die. These guys are really trying to kill me!!! They are trying to get me clothes off so they can rape me and then they are going to cut my throat (this is what they are saying while they beat the shit out of me)!!!

One guy is holding my head with a knife at my throat, theres a guy at each arm and the other two are trying to get my pants down. These guys are really going to kill me!! But they are going to rape me first. I remember thinking they hate fags and they want to kill me so why are they trying to have sex with me? The guy between my legs is saying how he's going to teach me a lesson and then he's going to kill me!

My pants are down and a guy is on me and I bite a HUGE chunk out of his arm and start yelling AIDS at the top of my lungs!!!! The person's yard that we are in turns on the porch light and that scares the gang and they leave me be. Now I'm left laying naked in my neighbors yard with my pants down and VERY vulnerable!!! I want to say that i really did think that these guys were going to kill me and leave me for dead. I couldn't believe that this guy I brought home from the bar had left me to get killed by these assholes.

two separate issues going on here: First and foremost I've been raped by a gang of "gay haters"

and second I trusted this guy to take care of me and he runs when things get tough!!!

he actually showes up at my house the next day and says how scared he was for me. BULLSHI!

I'm going to stop now because I need to process this asshole and see what comes next.