Fat and tired!

Pass or Fail

2011-10-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

I had lunch with a friend the other day and he made an "obersvation" about me. He said that I view everything as a Pass or Fail. It really struck a cord with me and has been on my mind ever since. I have to agree 100% but I also have to say this is a new thing for me. Before I "met" this friend I thought I had the best relationship I had ever had with God. I was at a great place where I seemed to think that "anything" goes as long as no one gets hurt. I was so caught up in "love thy neighbor" and all other things didn't seem to matter. Sounds like the way a "hippie" lives.

I certainly agree that I viewed other aspects of my life in the "pass or fail" way. I also agree that no one judges me harder that I judge myself.

I think my friend was trying to tell me to ease up a bit on myself, that maybe I've gone to far in the other direction.

I actually find this VERY comforting. I would love to be able to go back to something less stressful and with much less judgement.

Even though I would much rather go back to my old relationship with God where all I needed to do was focus on "Love thy Neighbor" I realize that my new much more personal relationship with God is a much more real one but it also opens me up for a "pass or fail" relationship with God and that just isn't working for me. It's very stressful for me, I'm obsessed with all the things that I do that God doesn't like. I really want to go back to a much for "loving" relationship with God.

I know in my heart that I am a product of him and thus he must love me, but my head says differently. I have never in my life been so insecure and I'm sure this is why I'm drinking 3 to 5 bottles of wine a day.

?

2011-10-11T22:13:00.002-05:00

This is a very unorganized post and I'm sorry if that bothers you but I have alot of random thoughts that I just need to get out.

Drinking- my drinking is still going strong but it's easily cut in half. I realize this is no where near a success but I'm going with "one day at a time" and with that I see it as progress:(

I have started "looking" at "the power of attraction" again and I'm going further with it this time and I'm (as always) really thinking it hits home for me.

I'm starting to wondering if this strange friendship I'm developing with my "starbucks" friend isn't part of this way of thinking and I'm trying hard to keep an open mind when it comes to him.

This is a typical example of how my past is causing me to miss out on things in my current life.

This guy is trying to "advance" our friendship but I just can't bring myself to trust him and keep canceling on him so that we are only able to meet/visit at Starbucks .

Im reallying wondering if God hasn't brought him into my life because Yoga is what I need to help my mind to calm down?

I am SO interested in Yoga but I'm just way to shy to even bring up this topic with him and I actually don't think I could even take a class with him and I'm just trying hard to get up the courage to ask his advise on this but I still can't do it:((((

ha ha

still drinking

2011-09-29T21:57:00.002-05:00

Well, I've now been to 2 AA meetings and actually felt a bit more comfortable on the second visit and actually got "called out" and made to read and then speak (and I didn't puke). Everyone is SO nice, it's really amazing. A couple of people suggested that I try the "new comers" meetings on Sunday. It's a series of 6 meetings that are supposed to get you more familiar with how things work in AA (which is still a bit confusing for me) so I will go to my first one this Sunday.

I was doing so good last week and went 3 full days without drinking and I actually felt MUCH better and then on the 4th day I was feeling really stressed over a family argument and chose to turn to wine. It was a horrible mistake and as soon as I started the first bottle I went down hill fast. 3 bottles later I had made an ass out of my self with a friend who I care about alot. It was a disaster!!!!!

And I've drank everyday since:( I'm drinking first thing in the morning and all the way until bedtime:(

I HATE the person I am becoming and i blame it all on the booze:((

1rst step

2011-09-23T19:41:00.002-05:00

This past Wednesday I drank 5 bottles of wine. 1 before 8:30am on my way to work. The second I keep in my car and snuck out several times during my work shift and actually finished that bottle before my work shift was over and then I stopped on my way home and bought 2 more bottles and finished them before 6 pm that night so I walked up to the store for the 5th.

I actually got up in the middle of the night and checked to be sure I didn't have any left.

I did make it to the gym by 5;45 am the next morning but dude was I a mess.

My family wasn't speaking to me they were so mad at me over it and my husband "laid down the law" and basically said that I was destroying out family.

I had read 2 of the AA books I had bought and spent quite a bit of time on their website so I decided I HAD to get to my first meeting.

I found a meeting at 9:30 am that morning and drove around it 3 different times and chickened out and went to the park to read from the prayer book I bought and decided that I would try again for the 11:15 am meeting. So I made up my mind that I had to do this.

I pulled up at the meeting and didn't even sit in my car I just walked up and talked to a couple of guys who were hanging out on the porch. They welcomed me in right away and really made the process as easy as possible.

I was SO nervous and just knew I would throw up before it was all over.

Well, it was amazing. Everyone was so nice and everyone of them told me their store and how much better their life was without booze. It really was very inspiring.

So it's been 2 says now without ANY booze and my stomach is a mess. I've had terrible cramps and lots of diarrhea.

My "temptation" level is much lower than I expected but I'm worried about the weekend. My plan is to make sure I don't have anytime alone. I really don't think I can trust myself just yet.

My husband said he was really proud of me the day I went to the meeting and hasn't brought it up since. I really think I could use someone to talk to about this. Everyone at the group suggested I get a sponsor asap even if I only get a temporary one. I'm guessing this is why.

I am proud of myself for taking this step and I know if I join this AA group they will be there for me and I know that GOD is always there for me.

12 steps for me?

2011-09-13T21:38:00.002-05:00

Well, I've bought 3 books about Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Step program and today is my first day in WEEKS without a single drink. I was up to about 3 bottles of wine a day and for the last week I've been "sneaking" all most all of my drinking from my family and friends. Last week my partner and our son had and "intervention" with me and basically screamed at me for an hour and told me how I was ruining our family and they had had enough. My son said he was actually thinking about living with someone else if I didn't stop drinking. So I agreed to not drink at home for 2 weeks and we would just see how much better things got for everyone and then reevaluate. So the very next day I started drinking just as much if not more but sneaking it.

As soon as everyone was out of the house in the morning (8am) I would head to the store and buy bottle 1 and then 2 hours later would walk back up for bottle 2 (and this was all before going to work that afternoon). I would stop on my way home from work at night and buy more and drink it in the car before going inside. It's SO PATHETIC!!!! My anxiety is going thru the roof and I'm drunk dialing all my friends. My doctor told me that drinking while taking my anxiety meds it would actually make my anxiety attacks much worse.

So I bought a 12 step book yesterday and also a prayer book to go along with it and started reading them (while drinking a bottle of wine). This morning I had a terrible workout with my trainer (my anxiety was thru the roof and now I'm actually thinking he's trying to be mean to me. I know for sure it's all in my head and I feel terrible for thinking such things about him and I also know for sure it's all because of the wine and the meds combined).

So later today I bought the AA Big Book on audio and went for a really long walk. It really seems to make since and I guess I will do my best to do "one day at a time" and today was my first sober day. I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow because I will have several hours after work but before my family gets home and that is perfect time for sneaking a drink. My plan is to go straight to the gym from work and that should kill enough time for my son to get home from school. I'll say my prayers and do my best:))

I can not keep treating my family and friends this way......

it's not all bad

2011-07-31T17:54:00.002-05:00

I have had the greatest day and just wanted to share. I know that my last SEVERAL post have been pretty drepressing but over all I still think of myself as an upbeat kind of guy.
I was up by 7am and headed to Starbucks for my morning coffee. I sat there and read up on the days news and checked my emails and then headed off to the gym. I had a really good workout (it was my second day this week of adding running back into my workouts and it felt amazing).
I wasn't able to spend anytime in the basements of the gym doing weights but I did do a great chest and arm routine and left with my upper body feeling like jello. lol
Went home and got lunch started on the stove and then my kid and I headed out to try and new church. We havent been to church in over a year and I have felt terrible about that but I just haven't been able to get my shit together and get my family into church again. We are a family divided when it comes to church and it's very stressful.
So I begged my partner to go with me to check this new church out and he refused but suggested I ask our teenage boy so I did and he agreed. We both had a great time and agreed to go back next week.
After church we came home and got lunch ready for my trainer and his wife to come over. We planned on having lunch and then heading out to the local farm to pick peaches.
Lunch was fantasic and so was spending the afternoon at the farm. We really did have a fantastic time together.
We had some good conversation and learned new things about each other.
Now I'm getting ready to head out to dinner with another friend.
It's been a fantastic day of "fellowship"......

second visit with Joan

2011-07-27T00:24:00.002-05:00

Today was my second visit with Joan (my new therapist). We spent the whole hour with me giving graphic details of all the abuse I've been thru in my WHOLE life.
It was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand why we had to do this but I can't explain how this ruined my whole frigging day. I left this appointment and went right into the salon with a full day of appointments. It was like we picked all the scabs off of my wounds and then I wasn't aloud to bleed.
At the end of our hour I had describe how I know the thoughts that go thru my head are bullshit but in my heart I feel/know I'm nothing but trash.
I am so afraid that the truth is that I was brought into this world to be nothing other than shit for others to abuse.
I'm trying SO hard to be a better person but in my heart I know I'm only here to make others feel better about themselves.
I have always had this weird feeling that "in a prior life I was a wonderful servant" and now I'm wondering if that really means that I was a slave used only as a piece of shit put on earth so that someone else could use me to feel better about themselves?
If in my heart I know I'm not worthy of another persons love how in the hell can I be worthy of GODs love?
Today's breakthrough was when I'm having an anxiety attack all I can say is "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don''t be mad at me!!!!!". That is me being 5 years old and my dad beating the living shit out of me and me trying with all I have to convince him that I will do better if he just gives me a chance.
My partner has NEVER done anything to make me think he would hurt me in ANY WAY, but I can't stop my self from saying "I'm Sorry, please don't be mad at me". Even with my trainer when I start freaking out all I want to say is "I'm sorry" and then I'm scared he will be mad at me for saying "I'm sorry" so I'm left with nothing to say:(
I want GOD to love me and I want to have a realationship with him but I'm so scared that even he will try and teach me a lession and I just don't have it in me to be beat down any more.
I can't do this. Once you think your nothing but trash how can you go lower???

quick update and then on the real shit

2011-07-27T00:09:00.002-05:00

Today I had my second session with my new therapist and it was horrible so I just want to give a quick update before I move onto why today was so bad/hard for me.

Two weeks ago I had my first appointment with my new therapist Joan. This was the result of my partner DEMANDING that I do something about how bad I've been feeling. First thing we did was call our "employee assistant program" and after answering several VERY personal questions I was told that my problems were WAY to serious for what they were offering and I needed at least a year of intense therapy and not the 5 visits they could give me:((
So I have my first session with Joan and it goes pretty well. I give her a basic overview of the anixioty I am going thru and we talk about how I have a hystory of dipression but not a history of anixioty and this new emotion isnt working for me.
After alot of talking I realize that my biggist problem is "the GYM" (have ALOT of "rules" for my trainer at the gym". So Joan suggest that I pick one of the "rules" that I have at the gym and work on getting past this "one rule at a time".
So I go back to my trainer and repeat this saying "Can you please stop my "no touching" rule" and help me get over this? He was fine with it and we agreed we would work on this one thing at at time.

follow up

2011-07-05T21:57:00.002-05:00

it's been about 8 hours since my last post and I've stopped crying but I'm sure that isn't going to last thru the end of this post.

I've reread the post a couple of times during the day and I know I should be embarrassed by it but I'm not and in fact I somewhat proud of it. I've noticed a trend in my last few post and that trend is: they are getting more and more honest. More real. They don't hurt any less and if possible im actually hurting more but it would seem that I have to hit bottom before I can crawl to God and beg him to help me become whole again.

437andtired or 237andscared? CHOOSE!!!

2011-07-05T13:21:00.003-05:00

I left the gym crying my eyes out again today. I had a great workout in the since of I was sweating my ass off and did a fairly hard workout but all that kept going thru my head is I'm a loser, I'm nothing but trash and I'm never going to be anything but a loser. It doesn't matter if I'm fat or not I'm still a loser. I try SO hard at the gym and we still keep coming across things that I just cant get right. Today we were doing some sort of "clean and press" and my trainer was being so nice about it but I just couldn't get it and right away I just kicked into "your a loser" mode and it ruined the rest of my workout. I'm so afraid he's going to see me for what I really am and fire me just like the last trainer. I had dinner last night with my trainer and his wife (at my suggestion) and I (as always) had such a great time with them. They have such a calming and nurturing affect on me. I really love spending time with them but I also know this relationship can't work out, so why do I keep setting myself up for the hurt that is going to come. I really do believe that God has brought them into my life for a reason but I'm so afraid that the reason is going to be something bad. Something to remind me that I'm not supposed to trust people and love people because I'm not worthy of that. Or that I'm a horrible sinner and until I stop sinning I will never be happy.

I don't understand how the harder I work to have a better body the harder my mind works against me. It seems like I am going to have to choose - 437andtired, or 237andscared?

I'm really wondering if the changes I've been trying to make in my life are not a huge mistake. I decided a while back to try and have more "real" relationships and not "superficial" ones so I have told 3 of my straight male friends (my 2 trainers and 1 actual friend) about my past. EVERYTHING!!! And I even went for drinks with a male client who had been trying to get me to do something social with him for years. The purpose was, I was afraid that God was bringing people into my life to help me and I was "denying" them thous denying God a chance to help me. Well now 3 people know my story and I feel even more afraid and vulnerable.

The light at the end of the tunnel for now is that I do have an apt with a therapist this coming week and I am feeling very hopeful about that.

ManOpause

2011-06-29T23:30:00.002-05:00

I have been an emotional mess lately. I've been having anxiety attacks at the gym for several months now and the last few weeks I've started having them in my normal everyday life also. I've also had a few "crying" fits (thank the lord only when I'm home and only when I'm alone). Although when I try and talk to my partner about this I ALWAYS start crying again and then feel horrible guilty.

Just over a month ago I was out on a run and hurt my foot. I've been to the Dr twice, got an xray and seen a PT. My medical "team" has pulled me off of all cardio and not only am I going stir crazy I also now realize just how much I used my treadmill runs as therapy. I am not a fan of outside running but i LOVE getting on the treadmill, putting headphones in and just going until I'm dead. I can really process alot of my "shit" there.

It's strange and somewhat funny that the gym is the place where I feel the most "unsafe" and "crazy" when I'm being pushed by my trainer and then the next day feel amazing on the treadmill.

I can't get a true feeling of being "safe" on outside runs but on the treadmill where I can see everyone around me and with my headphones in no one trys to talk to me. It's very "controlled" and I LOVE IT.

Since my foot has me on the sidelines I haven't found a new way to process my crap. I've been drinking ALOT and when I'm under the influence my emotions get even more carried away.

I've been having lots of nightmares again. Same shit as always, someone is chasing me trying to kill me. There's always a lot of blood and drama. Although I will say that I don't seemed to be waking up stressed out like I normally do when I have these rounds of nightmares.

I'm on vacation all this week and my only goal was to get an apt scheduled with a therapist. So that is what I'm going to do tomorrow. I've put it off as long as I can. I really dread therapy because of all the shit it stirs up from my past but I am SO tired of not being at peace.

I am so afraid I'm going to get fat again and I'm wondering if that isn't at some level what I actually want? My new body just does't match my self esteem or my self worth. Back when I weighed 437 I could look at myself in the mirror and see that I was a disgusting on the outside as I was on the inside. Even though I still don't believe people when I say "you look so amazing" and when I look in mirror I still see disgusting but it's a different kind of disgusting:(

tomorrow is D~Day

2011-05-03T23:12:00.003-05:00

So tomorrow I'm meeting my new trainer for a "talk". He ask me to meet him before out next workout session. That can only mean one of two things: he is going to "let me go" and wants to do it asap.

I would completely understand!!! From the bottom of my heart I think this guy might just be to nice and my "damage" might just be to much for him. For me to think that my "shit" would bring someone else down is way to much to ask. The biggest thing I HATE about sharing my story is when people say "It's amazing you have survived to even be here"!! All that says to me is they don't understand what I've been thru and they think I should be dead.

When your 5 and someone is raping you, you really don't get the option to say "STOP, I don't want this so let me check out". Or when your 18 and a group of 5 guys are holding you down, ripping off your cloths and holding a knife to your throat you don't really think about saying "STOP, I don't want this so let me check out"! Not surviving is not an option and that SUX. But here we are, I'm 44 and I have survived and I now have no choice but to deal with it.

I'm hoping that he wants to get together so we can figure out a "plan" on how he can help me be a better/stronger person.

I'm holding out that there is a chance that God has sent him to me and he is GOING to help me be a stronger person. A person who can stop living in fear......

to nurture or to be nurtured?

2011-05-03T22:55:00.002-05:00

In my salon I have a reputation for always having the criers. There is always a box to tissues at my station. It's not because I make them cry over what I've done to their hair but instead it's because they sit in my chair and feel comfortable enough to spill their guts (just in the last two weeks I've had two clients tell me their husbands are cheating and they are thinking about divorce). I'm a great listener and will hug when forced. lol

I LOVE it that people are able to open up to me (is that because they know I'm more damaged than they are so it's safe?), but what happens when I want to open up to someone?

I LOVE my husband and he really is the answer to my dreams (he makes me feel secure and safe).

But he is not a listener or a nurturer. He admits this right up front:)

NONE of my friends know my "story". The only person outside of my parents and my partner who I have shared my store with is my trainer. I'm starting to wonder if that is such a good ideal? I want to be able to talk about my crap with it's on my mind but I need to decide is that need more important that my privacy. My friends think of me as the person to come to when they have problems NOT as the person who has the freaky past. I DON'T want to be known by my past yet I admit I am being held prisoner by my past.

a bunch of nothing

2011-05-03T22:22:00.002-05:00

I'm just going to start typing and see what happens and THEN I will decide the "title" of this post.

First I want to talk about the guy I had "picked" up at the bar and was walking home with when we got jumped by the "bashers". I think there's a reason i can't remember his name! I am able to escape the guys who are trying to "do me harm" and get home to Michael. He takes me to the ER (we tell them I fell down the stairs) and I spend a couple of days in the hospital with broken ribs and lots of bruises. I refuse to tell the police what really happened (because somehow I'm sure it's really my own fault).

Well to sum it up the guy I was bringing home from the bar ended up breaking into our house and stealing a bunch of stuff. I refuse to press charges but Michael does press charges and the guy gets arrested. He gets out and actually breaks into our house again!!!!!

The investigating cop actually calls my parents and tells them I really need help and ask them to come to Phoenix.

My mom actually shows up one day and tells me she here to take me home. I actually feel "loved and relieved" and pack up and go with her. On the way home she then tells me that what I'm going thru is God's punishment for being Gay and if I don't get my shit together I am for sure going to HELL!!!

I remember setting in the back seat of the car for the two day drive just not understanding how God could be punishing me but not Wayne or Randy?

to move on or not?

2011-05-03T21:54:00.002-05:00

I didn't see this coming but now I'm torn between moving on the the next phase (not even sure what that is) or to keep listing off more and more shit from my past. I've been reading thru my last few post and I just keep getting more memories of horrible things. There is a huge part of me that wants it ALL down, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY!!! But another (yet smaller) part of me thinks ENOUGH of the bad shit lets get started healing.

I think to deny a concentration camp prisoner the right to speak the horror's that were done to them would be another crime but I also feel that as long as I keep dwelling on this shit the longer before I can move past it.

now on to the real shit

2011-05-01T13:36:00.004-05:00

This is the post I've been avoiding all along. for some reason writing about being raped and beat as a child is easier than being raped as an adult. I think for some reason I'm able to think that the shit that happened to me as a child is in no way my fault but the shit that happens to me as an adult I have to accept as my responsibility for some reason. I realize as I'm writing this that it's bullshit but that is not how I feel in my heart.

I'm skipping ahead thru alot of crap (I get hit by a car and spend a year on crutches, miss half of my senior year of school. My mom finally figures out I'm gay and has a melt down. My grandmother stands up for me and tells my mom to get over it. I get a SEVERAL thousand dollar settlement from the car wreck and my mom just gives me a check and says good luck).

So I'm 18 and I talk my best friend into moving away to Phoenix.

So now Charles and I have moved to Phoenix (at 18 years of age), we don't know a soul but we are trying to make it.

Charles and I try to make it for a few months and it's not going well and we decide to split up and go our separate ways.

I move in with this guy named Michael who I met at a bar and things are actually going well.

I'm working for a nursing temp service (during my senior year in high school I get a "certificate" that lets me be a nursing assistant) and easily able to pay my half of the rent.

Michael is a bar whore and so I learn to visit the bars every night in search of happiness.

One night I meet a guy at the bar and we decide to go back to my place. During the walk back to my place we are being followed by a group of guys (5 to be exact). They start yelling gay slang at us and we start running trying to make it home. During the last block we (my "date" and I are separated) and I get tackled in my neighbors yard. I'm only one yard away from making it home!!!!

5 guys take me down in the yard NEXT to mine and start beating the shit out of me. They are kicking me in the head and chest. I can not describe what I am feeling at this moment!!! I really think that GOD has finally answered my prayers and I'm going to die. These guys are really trying to kill me!!! They are trying to get me clothes off so they can rape me and then they are going to cut my throat (this is what they are saying while they beat the shit out of me)!!!

One guy is holding my head with a knife at my throat, theres a guy at each arm and the other two are trying to get my pants down. These guys are really going to kill me!! But they are going to rape me first. I remember thinking they hate fags and they want to kill me so why are they trying to have sex with me? The guy between my legs is saying how he's going to teach me a lesson and then he's going to kill me!

My pants are down and a guy is on me and I bite a HUGE chunk out of his arm and start yelling AIDS at the top of my lungs!!!! The person's yard that we are in turns on the porch light and that scares the gang and they leave me be. Now I'm left laying naked in my neighbors yard with my pants down and VERY vulnerable!!! I want to say that i really did think that these guys were going to kill me and leave me for dead. I couldn't believe that this guy I brought home from the bar had left me to get killed by these assholes.

two separate issues going on here: First and foremost I've been raped by a gang of "gay haters"

and second I trusted this guy to take care of me and he runs when things get tough!!!

he actually showes up at my house the next day and says how scared he was for me. BULLSHI!

I'm going to stop now because I need to process this asshole and see what comes next.

High School

2011-04-30T18:56:00.004-05:00

Junior High was lots of sex and drugs for me (I was a prostitute and I sold Pot out of my locker during 7th and 8th grade). For most of those 2 years it was just my mom and myself (and the random guy she would have living with us). My mom worked nights at a truck stop and money was really scarce. I was doing pretty good in the money department (I often had more cash than she did since my two jobs paid much better than hers). Sometimes I would even stick cash in her purse where she would just think she had a better night at work than she remembered.

High School was really differnt for me, I was really coming into my own. It was a pretty small school so not to many clicks.

I stilled spend my extra time walking the streets for money and love/attention....

My grades start to climb and get get and better and I start to get more and more popular..

But by my junior year I started having some pretty serious bouts of depression. I was no longer walking the streets but was having LOTS of casual sex with anyone who was interested.

My junior year was also when I started having pretty serious thoughts of no longer wanting to live.

One time I drank 2 bottles of cold medicine and tied my self up in a extra large trash bag. My thinking was the cold meds would put me to sleep and I could suffocate in the trash bags. Of course it didn't work and I cried my self to sleep begging GOD to not let me wake up.

I would say I tried various versions of this over the next couple of years and even ended up in the in the ER a few times. My parents always reacted to this with me just being spoiled and trying to get attention.

At this stage in the game there was NO talk of any of the abuse (sexual or otherwise) in the family.

sex equals love???

2011-04-30T18:45:00.004-05:00

I'm not going to spend my time on this but about the age of 12 I realized that if I walked the downtown streets I can "pick up" guys and they will give me money if I do the things that Randy had been doing to me for free for years. So now I'm a 12 year old prostitute. Some guys made me feel really special and some guys were mean and very rough. But I was able to hold out for the guys who made me feel special. This went on for several years while at the same time my mom seemed to be doing the same thing by dateing lots of different guys and we moved from place to place and guy to guy.

molestion the same as RAPE???

2011-04-30T18:31:00.003-05:00

My first memory of being molested is when I'm about 5 years old. Wayne had been beating the shit of me and mom so she sneaks me out of the house to spend some time with my Grandma.

while there my Uncle Randy tells me that if I don't "help him out" he will tell my grandma to get rid of me (and then I have to go back to Wayne). So my first memories of Randy is of me giving him a blow job when I'm 5 years old. I have the most painful memories of that asshole. My Grandmother was my favorite person in the whole wide world. She is the only person I have ever know who truly loved me unconditionally and Randy used those feeling to rape me (physically and emotionally). How many times did my mom send me to my grandmothers house thinking she was protecting me only to actually be putting me in more danger!

That continues until I'm at least 10 years old:((

I just want to add to this, many years later when I'm in therapy Randy refuses to admit what he did to me and in fact calls me a spoiled brat who just needs to grow up.

My parents actually believe me but feel that GOD wants me to forgive Randy and welcome him back into my life (like they have). My parents actually feel that I"m the bigger sinner because I can not forgive him and get on with my life. Randy has been acussed of doing the same thing to many people over the years (even his youngest sister and one of his daughters) and I am the only one in the family who hasn't been able to move on. Every year at Christmas and Thanksgiving my mom and I have an argument over whether or not he can be there while I'm there. I even have to make her promise he won't come around my son while he is visiting over the summer.

my first step towards healing

2011-04-30T17:19:00.003-05:00

This is the first attempt at writing down my past so please bare with me, I'm really nervous.

My mom found out the day of her high school graduation that she was pregnant! My grandmother didn't like the guy so she had him sign papers that said if he didn't pursue "father" rights my mother wouldn't pursue child support and he signed... My grandmother helps my mom and really ends up being my parent while my mom is just the occasional babysitter.

My mom is working at the local greyhound bus stop and meets this guy called Wayne (who is getting home from prison) and marries him 2 months later (I'm 1 year old). I grow up knowing Wayne as my dad..

Wayne is VERY abusive and does some crazy mean things to my mom and I for the first 10 years of my life. I have crazy memories of him that are very unorganized so bear with me as I try and write them down.

I will say right up front that I have NO memories of him every being proud of me as his "son"!!!

I only have BAD memories of him. I honestly don't think having him as a dad was any worse than living in a concentration camp. I actually feared for my life many times (as well as the life of my mom).

I don't have a "real" order of my memories but I do have LOTS of crazy memories that I'm willing to share:

first: I'm about 5 years old and my mom is gone and I'm crying wanting her back. Wayne actually puts me in a closet with a bottle and LOCKS the door. I'm stuck there until my mom gets home and gets me out of the closet.

Second: Wayne goes into the bathroom and finds pee on the toilet lid and calls me in. He beats the shit out of me and actually beats me until I try and climb behind the toilet He then pisses all over me and says "that's what you deserve"!!

Third: Wayne ask me to "draw" him a bath and finds its to hot. He takes me into the kitchen and holds my hands over the stove until I'm screaming and says "next time down't make the water so hot"!!!

4th: he ask me to "draw" his bath water and of course its to hot so he takes me into the kitchen where my mom is boiling potatoes and sticks my hands into the pot of boiling water until I scream!!!! That's what I get for making his bath water to hot...

5th: he thinks my mom is flirting with his brother so he ties her to a bed and has 2 other men come in and have sex with her while he makes me sit on the bedroom floor and watch. He then goes on to tell me this is what will happen to me if I lie. I actually am made to watch strange men have sex with my mom????

6th: My mom gets the courage to take me and leave him. He barges into my class room and actually steals me from the class telling the teacher to "fuck off". He hides me at his brothers house while he blackmails my mom. He says hes going to kill me if she doesn't come home. Of course she comes home....

I need to stop here but just know I have a milllion of these stories......

2 years and still looking back

2011-04-19T22:07:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is my 2 year "anniversary" of my Gastric Bypass Surgery:))

I seems impossible to tell you how different life is for me now. I spent the last hour reading all my past posts and I'm very saddened by them. I guess I just didn't realize how miserable I was as a "fat" person.

If I had to describe myself to someone who has never seen me I would say that I'm on the larger size of normal and VERY active. I do go to the gym 6 days a week!!!

When I look in the mirror or if I was to draw a picture of myself I still see myself as a 400 lbs person and I'm still struggling with that!!!

There is still rarely a day goes by that someone doesn't comment on how different I look and I always smile and say "thank you", but in my heart I think they are lying!! I know how strange it sounds but every time I look in the mirror I see something different. One time a normal size person and the next time a HUGE person.

Ive had a HUGE change in my life. My personal trainer "Jesse" has dumped me and I'm having a HUGE problem dealing with that. I have know for some time that he was trying to get out of training full time but when it happened I have taken it VERY personally. I don't want to spend to much time on this but I really have been DEVASTATED!!!! He really has been the only person who has been with me from the start who I really have confided in. Even my partner hasn't given me the support Jesse has. He knows things about me that almost no one else knows. Things I'm not even comfortable writing about here!! (things I go on to talk about in later post)

So Jesse picked out a new trainer for me (his name is Caleb) and I'm now starting my second month with him. I just now feel like the scabs are starting to turn to scars from Jesse and I have sworn to myself that I will not get as close to Caleb as I did to Jesse and so far I'm doing good.

My goal here is to write down my actual history (why I think I got so FAT) in the next few weeks. I do feel like I've made some great connections and that is the "first step to healing"...

I will say that with Caleb I say right up front what I don't like (don't touch me, and don't help me unless I ask), where with Jesse I put with it for a few times before I got the courage to speak up. With that said I feel SO bad for Caleb, he is SO nice and is great with dealing with me but he has to think i'm the biggest FREAK ever!!

On to the current business: I am out of "personal trainer sessions" in the middle of May and I have to now deal with "do I resign or not". Even though Jesse had told me he wasn't going to train for ever I really hadn't processed that I might need to do this on my own soon. And now the time is getting near. So today I told Caleb if I can lose 20 lbs (that will make a total of 200 lbs) by the end of our sessions I will reward myself with another package. But if not than I need to accept that what I weight now is what I'm going to weight and deal with it. I don't need a trainer for "maintenance".

As much as I am thankful for the surgery and do think of it as one if not the biggest blessing in my whole life and am surprised at how my "shit" I still have going thru my mind.

It almost seems that I trust others even less, I am going to have to deal with this!!!

No Regrets!

2010-03-27T08:05:00.005-05:00

Here's 2 before pictures (the one in the white shirt is the night before my surgery) and 2 recent photo's. I've lost a total of 180lbs in 11 months (the goal set by the program was to lose 200lbs total within 2 years).

My old life really seems like an odd dream. Almost like recalling a movie about someone else. I've heard recovering drug addicts say similar things about their old "drug" life.

I will admit that there have been many days where the journey was really tough. And strangely enough the toughest days had nothing to do with food but with being forced to deal with the things that "made" me fat to begin with.

I have had to admit that my self-image is totally warped. And that I'm a total "people pleaser" who has always put my own needs last, even when having to look for things to help others with just so I didn't have to face my own problems. To realize that it's not selfish to "take care of your self"! You can't truly help others when your lieing to yourself.

For the first time in MANY years I am really smiling on the inside just as big as I'm smiling on the outside.

When will the mirror be my friend?

2009-11-05T22:57:00.002-06:00

Let me say up front that I've got a cold and I'm writing under the influence of OTC drugs.
Thinks are going so well. I haven't thrown up in well over a week and aside from the cold I feel AMAZING. I'm loving the gym more and more each time I go. I even enjoy the days that I don't work with Jesse now. And I think I also really enjoy it when people comment on the amount of weight I have lost (there's not a day goes by that someone doesn't comment. It's alot of attention and even though it's positive attention and it's supposed to be a good thing it really can be uncomfortable at times). I don't always feel like I deserve it. I know it's crap and I do deserve it but there's this crappy voice in the back of my mind that say's NO YOU DON'T. It's not that I'm afraid that I'm going to blow it or ruin it in some way. I just find myself really uncomfortable with the whole thing.
There are signs of hope though. I have caught myself looking at myself in the mirror more and more (sometimes even with no clothes on as gross as that is. lol). I still hate the mirrors at the gym and want NO part of them.
I'm weighing in at 297lbs now, that's an unbelievable 140lbs down. It's been years since I've seen these numbers. And my final goal weight is only 60lbs away!
I'm in a wedding this weekend and went today to pick up my tux and had to exchange the pants for a smaller pair. I told the girl last month when she measured me that she was picking a waist that was to large but she informed me that the tape measure doesn't lie:(

City Chicks by Pat Foreman

2009-10-17T19:57:00.003-05:00

I was given a signed copy of this book recently by a friend and I'm LOVING it!

I just learned that 1 chick and eat 84lbs of kitchen and yard was every year. Times 3 (we have 2 chickens and 1 duck) is: 252lbs of stuff that would go into a landfill. WOW! Now I just have to figure out a way for the chickens to get it and not my dogs.

Well off to more reading.

whole lota jiggle

2009-10-06T21:09:00.003-05:00

Jesse gave me a tip on how to start running so I gave it a try today on the treadmill. I jog for the first 30seconds of each 5 minute block (jog for 30 sec then walk for 4 1/2 mins). I made a mistake right off the bat, I started off with my jog and the 30 sec. mark came around and I felt great so I just kept on going. I hit the 1 minute mark at 5.5 and then slowed down to 4.0. Then second round I jogged for 45 seconds and then I stuck to the 30 second recomended time. I did this for 5 rounds and then just walked for 15 more minutes. At one point I grabbed onto the heartrate bar and my heartrate was at 157 (that was after my 1minute jog). My heart was pounding and it felt GOOD! We'll see if I keep this up or not, it was a site to behold. My 315lb butt actually trying to get both feet off the ground at the same time (you see if both feet don't leave the ground at the same time it's just a fast walk. lol).

It actually gets better and better

2009-10-05T22:20:00.005-05:00

I'm somewhat shocked how how different I feel since I'm off the meds. I can really tell a huge difference while at the gym. It's really nice to be able to work out until my body gives out (which still doesn't take long), instead of all that damn dizzyness crap.

I've been able to replace most of my gym clothes already, that is a great feeling. Jesse had me facing the mirror the other day doing shoulder presses and I was somewhat grossed out by how flabby and sloppy I was looking. So off to GoodWill I went and donated the last of my 4X and 3X tee shirts. I'm all 2X now:)
I can't remember if I mentioned that I bought a bike or not. One with a wide seat of course:))
I've taken it around the block a few times and it is a nice break and a chance for fresh air. I'm afraid to get to far from the house just yet in case I pop the tires and have to push it home. Sad but true!

great news

2009-09-24T22:26:00.002-05:00

I went to see my Primary Care Doc today for a check up. I hadn't seen him since the surgery and was a bit excited for him to see my progress. He was really the one who was able to get me to admit that I needed the surgery and was not going to be able to loose the weight and keep it off on my own. So I was really excited for him to see that I had finally done something to help myself. Anyway, I made the appointment because I have been having shorts bouts of dizziness when I'm at the gym and I'm thinking that my blood pressure meds are a bit high for my weight now that I've lost 1oo plus lbs. Well it turns out that my heart rate is way down not my blood pressure. So he took me off all my meds. This is huge progress, I have been on 5 pills a day for several years and now I'm on ZERO pills a day. Although I now take 5 vitamins a day, but that is different. lol

Wii Fit is my new BFF!

2009-09-17T21:57:00.004-05:00

123lbs down and all is well. Well, that's a big FAT lie: life is GREAT. I bought the Wii Fit the day it came out (May '08) and when I got it home and opened the box was VERY sad to read that I was well over the weight limit (117lbs over to be exact). It was just another hit to the fat man, just another thing in life where the fat man has to sit on the side line (or is it: another excuse for the fat man to sit on the side line). Well for the last year I've been able to sit on the couch and watch my family and friends play the game while I make excuses why I can't get on it (can't say out loud that I'm really THAT fat).
My first goal for myself after WLS was to be able to finally play the Wii Fit and last week I was able to get on the damn thing and not have it go crazy and shut down and reboot. It felt so wonderful to actually have it say Welcome! I was able to create a profile and have signed on almost everyday since. It even said my Wii Fit age is 3 years younger than my real age.
I'm still working out 4 days a week at the gym, 2 of those days with a personal trainer. I still have trouble believing how different I feel. There are times when I actually find myself dancing around I have so much energy that I can't stand still. I don't want to stand still and I have the energy to actually move around for long periods of time. The trainer is still whooping my ass but I feel great for the rest of the day (sore but great). If this is what 100lbs less feels like, what is 200lbs less going to feel like???

Stupid Questions?

2009-08-23T19:42:00.002-05:00

I get lot's and lot's of comments now a days. I guess at my weight range I had to lose 100lbs before people (those who didn't know about the surgery) really start to notice. Here's the lamest one yet:
Saturday in the salon a lady came up to me and said how much different I look since she saw me last and just had to ask a few questions about it. I told her I had Gastric Bypass surgery at the end of April. She said she knew someone who had that done also but hers didn't go so well, she thought the lady had it done in a small town a couple of hours outside of the city where we live. This lady really just hit me the wrong way (like she was gossiping about the lady she knew) so I just went right in lieing mode. I told her I also had my surgery done at that town at the Vet college that is there. I told her they do an experimental surgery that is having HUGE success. I said that they take one of the stomach's from a cow, since they have 2 they don't even have to kill the cow. I said there's an enzyme in the cows stomach that process' food so fast that you don't absorb the calories from the food. She said that sound so cool, how do I feel? I said that I get alittle sick to my stomach every now and then but if I chew on raw grass (organic of course) it really seems to settle the nausea. She just kept going on and on about how cool it is.
I finally told her I'm totally full of shit and she was really embarrassed for falling for it.

100 lbs down

2009-08-14T20:17:00.004-05:00

I weighed in yesterday and it was a VERY magic. I'm down 100lbs. I've gone from 4X shirts to 2x and my pants have gone from 50 inch waist to a 44 inch waist (although 46 are a bit more comfortable, ha ha). I haven't done a "measurement check", I thought I would wait until I'm down 200lbs before I add up those numbers.
I'm still going to the gym 4 days a week and working out with Jesse 2 of those days. He gives a new meaning to "rode hard and put away wet", I have a hard time walking to my car when he is done with me. My legs are shaky for days afterwards. And somehow he keeps me coming back for more. He hasn't yelled at me yet, for that I'm thankful.
I'm thinking my bout with throwing up has finally moved on, it's been a couple of weeks since I've thrown up. I do have bouts of nausea every now and then, but they don't last long and are more than worth it.

Oh Jesse

2009-07-21T21:32:00.003-05:00

Well I'm down 90lbs and doing amazing! I joined a gym this week and have been 3 times already. When my partner and I went in on Sunday so he could add me to his membership (we have a few gay couple friends who go to the same gym so we knew they would let us join as a family) and told the trainer at the desk that we wanted to change my partners membership into a family membership. He looked us straight (no pun intended) in the eye and said if you can produce a marrige license then you can switch to a family membership. Well it only took me about 60 seconds to inform him that I knew his company policy better than he did and if he didn't wish to deal with us then please let someone else take his place. Of course he said that HE had no problem with us being a family and he would love to sell me a family membership now that he understood the policy. Bull Crap! Once he took my money and get me signed up he told me I got a free session with a personal trainer. I ask him if he could please hook me up with one who had some experience with Weight Loss Surgery clients. He said no problem that he knew the gym had about 15 clients who have had the LapBand. So we set up an apt for me the next day with Jesse.
I show up alittle early so I can spend alittle warm up time on the treadmill. "Jesse" comes over to get me right on time and suggest that we go set outside and get to know each other.
Alright, my first impression of Jesse is: cute and about 100lbs soaking wet. So we go outside and set on a bench and he starts his Q & A and is doing lots of writing. I tell him I'm 3 months out from Bariatric Surgery and I have a release from my surgeon. He tells me he is a marathon runner and that is a big interest of his as a trainer and wants to know if I'm trying to train for a marathon. I say "no way in hell, unless he wants to pay for me to get new knee's. 'Cause if this big ass trys to run my knee's will blow out pretty fast". He tells me he doesn't know much about Weight Loss Surgery (I really appreciate his honesty and that he didn't just try and fake his way thru this to get a client). We talk about this & that for abit and finally agree to give each other a try and just see how it goes. We spent the next hour together and did great together, although he did confess at the end that he was pretty nervous during the Cross-Fit training. He kept asking me if I felt like I was going to throw up or dizzy. I was VERY dizzy but never felt like I would throw up (he told me it was his job to clean it up if I did and he really didn't want to do that). It was very obvious that his average client was in much better shape than I am. He would always start out by saying "now drop fast to the floor and give me 20 push ups as fast as you can" and after I would do 5 he would chicken out and say "alright that was enough, stop and rest". I admit there's no way in Hell I could do 20 push ups but isn't it his job to try and make me? I think he knows a puker when he see's one! What ever the reason, I'm thankful he has a heart. ha ha
We ended out hour together without hateing each other (or at least I liked him) and he said he finds this surgery very interesting and wanted to work with me. He offered to split his normal hour sessions into 30 min. sessions and then just put me on a treadmill afterwards (since I can't do an hours worth of this cross-fit thing without stroking out). That was very nice of him and since he is $40 per hour I took him up on it. So I'm going to meet with him every Monday and Tuesday for a while and then I'll be on my own during the week.

sailing along

2009-07-02T20:45:00.002-05:00

I'm down 80lbs and still just a sailing along. Took the kids to the mall tonight to see Transformers and then we had dinner in the food court. The kids had pizza and I ordered just a single meatball, 20 minutes later I'm in the bathroom throwing up. It was over pretty fast and then all was better and we were walking the mall. I usually grab a small salad from Subway and never have the "throwing up problem" with it. Lesson learned!
I've been walking pretty regularly and honestly feeling fantastic. I haven't felt this well in years. I have had a few times where my body can't seem to keep up with my mind. But I can certainly tell that I am not carrying as much weight around. My knee's and feet don't bother me near as much (used to be a daily thing).

Support Group

2009-06-09T20:51:00.002-05:00

My girl Lucy (the standard poodle puppy) and I walked 4 miles this morning. It was a beautiful morning and we had a great time.
I just got home from my monthly "support group", I"m always so inspired by the folks there. The first hour of the group is for people who haven't had the surgery yet. I've written about this before but it's worth 'talking' about again. There's always the people who come in with their list of questions that end up talking about all the thing's their going to have to give up. You really get the feeling that their just wanting some validation in not having the surgery.
I totally get it, the surgery isn't for everyone. It's a HUGE step and not the right step for everyone. But these people have spent almost a year going thru many hoops (and in lot's of cases lot's of money) to get to this point and then want to back out.
I also understand this is a very scary surgery and in no way am I trying to be unsympathetic. It took me several years to get up the courage to follow thru with the surgery. I guess I just don't understand how you can set thru an hour of listening to the people who have had the surgery and how amazing their life is now and that their only regret is that they didn't do it sooner and still think it's not the right thing to do.
I do believe that if your not ready for the surgery then by no means should you do it.
Again, there are many paths to a healthier life and weight and this surgery is only one of the paths. It's a path not for everyone.

70lbs less of me

2009-06-02T22:42:00.002-05:00

It's very hard to imagine that there's 70lbs less of me now. I can really feel it also. I'm still have a bit of trouble with eating meat (I've thrown up several times this past week trying to eat things my body just wasn't ready for). But I am hanging in there and I have zero regrets. I honestly feel much better now compared to before my surgery. I feel lighter! I'm back to singing and being goofy at work. I haven't been walking since I've gone back to work because I was afraid that if I used all my energy on my walk I wouldn't have any left for work. I'm ready now to get out in the neighborhood and walk, walk, walk.

And I was just bragging

2009-05-20T19:24:00.002-05:00

I have been bragging all week long how good I felt and how I've had none to little nausea. I've even "cheated" a few times this past week. I sampled a small amount of peach dump cake and did great.
Last night I stopped by the store to get some light mayo so I could make some tuna salad (I live on tuna salad these days) and decided to try and bag of Hot and Spicy Pork Skins (they were passing them around at my last group meeting). Well I ate way to much of them and went to be with a terrible stomach ache. I had horrible dreams all night long (Hannibal Lecture was eating my friends and I was trying to save myself and still help my friends). This morning I was almost back to normal so all was good.
Well for dinner I grilled some chicken breast and thought I would try and eat one (it is in the diet phase I'm in). I got several bits down and all of a sudden I had some sharp pain in my chest. It felt like I swallowed a knife. I ran to the bathroom and spent the next 45 min. throwing up. OMG it hurt so bad. It's been about 2 hours since I moved to the couch and all is going well so far.
I know I just got comfortable and tried to jump ahead faster than I should have. And I paid the price. Trust me I will be careful from now on.

Back at work :)

2009-05-13T20:56:00.002-05:00

Today was my first day back at work and it went fantastic. I'm a hairstylist so I stand for hours at a time and I was a bit worried about that but it went fantastic. I had my clients books so that I would have about a 15 min. gap between each one so I would have time to catch my breath. I got to the salon almost an hour early so I would have time to get set up and when I walked in there was 4 large vases of flowers on my station. Wow, I guess they really did miss me. I know I sure did miss them.
I feel so much better this week compared to the last two. There are even times that I catch myself forgetting about the surgery all together, I feel so normal.
I cooked dinner for the family and I tried to eat a piece of chicken with them. I did finish, but it sure did hurt. I pan fried the chicken in water with no breading and I think maybe I should have steamed it or boiled (poached) it. Oh well, I'll keep trying.

50lbs even

2009-05-12T22:05:00.003-05:00

I stepped on the scale this morning to a great surprise. I've lost 50lbs since April 1st. I am SO excited about this milestone. It really makes me feel good.
I start back to work tomorrow and man am I ready. Just the last 2 days I've had a major energy breakthru and now I'm bored. I really think it has to do with moving up to the next food stage. I'm now in the soft food stage now and there's more choices. I can have scrambled eggs (even with a small amount of cheese). I no longer have to put my chicken or tuna salad in the blender. I just have to chew it to a mush, but it's nice to have some texture in my mouth.
To think that I'm only 3 weeks out from surgery and I feel so different already. I can feel a big difference just around the house, like when I go up and down the stairs or just doing things around the house.

Food TV

2009-05-04T20:30:00.002-05:00

I'm doing/feeling great. I'm up to walking a mile aday and tomorrow will try walking a mile twice a day. The plan was to be walking 2 miles a day by time time I went back to work. I go back to work next week Wednesday.
I'm very shocked at how much I think about food. It's not cravings or urges to eat food, but I still think about food nonstop. Again, I'm not thinking about what I missing or craving.
We still watch Food TV more than any channel. Even when I'm reading my book, Food TV is on in the back ground. Since I'm home full time now I've been cooking dinner for the family everynight. I'm not tempted at all and I really enjoy doing nice things for my family and I do set with them and eat my pureed tuna while they eat.

2009-04-30T19:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I had to get off the couch today and be productive. My kid had a couple of doctors apts so cleaned myself up and set off to get things done.
I thought my driving was pretty good but the family informed me that I should prob. stay close to home for a few more days. We'll see.
I just can't tell you have good I feel. Still no pain and really not even any discomfort. I still don't have enough energy to go back to work but if I worked a desk job I really think I could do it. I have a week and a half to go though before I can go back (doctors orders).
Today I had chicken salad for dinner and tuna salad for lunch. Both were fantastic and I was full after about 3 tablespoons full.
The weather here has been nice temps but rainy so not much happening outside. I've been putting my Netflix subscription to the limits.

next phase

2009-04-28T19:52:00.002-05:00

I just got home from the doctor and the last of my tubes removed. I have a bit of an infection at 3 of my cut sites and was put on meds for that. I don't think it's anything to big.
I am down 45lbs today from 3 weeks ago. Very cool. I won't in any way say it's been a hard week (it was WAY easier that I thought it would be), but I can tell I'm getting tired of being tired. I know all I need is time and I do have time. I've been doing my daily walk around the block and started cooking dinner for the family. I haven't taken anything for pain in several days now and I have to say I'm amazed that physically I feel good. My only complaint is that I have no energy.
I have been able to do more ready and computer play though. ha ha

I'm home...

2009-04-23T17:21:00.002-05:00

I had my weightloss surgery at 11am this past Monday morning and after 3 days in the hospital I cam back home yesterday evening. I will say that I'm in a bit more pain that I was expecting, but that is what the pain pill are for. I came home with a bottle of Perkaset and a Morphine pump that went straight into my stomach and a fairly large drain tube in the stomach also. I just tool out the morphine pump myself about an hour ago (it was kind of cool, it just slid out with out any feeling at all. There's still a small hole though were it came out).
I'm on a Bariatric phase 2 diet (liquids that can go thru a strainer). I got up at 5;30am this morning (I am having a very hard time sleeping for any lenght of time) and had about 3 teaspoons of sugar free yogurt and my stomach felt very distended. I laid back down until 10am and then got up and had a 5 oz protein shake. Then for lunch I had 5 ozs of chicken broth with protein powder added. Tried to set out on the patio for awhile (can't concentrate enough to read my book yet), made it about an hour an then came back in for an hour nap. Got up and took my first shower since the surgery (yes I was smelly). I set up and was able to read my book for about 45 mins and then ate dinner with the family (I had 2 ozs of yogurt and they had spicy turkey helper).
I go back to the surgeon next Tuesday to check for a gut leak and to have my drain removed. I can start driving then if I'm off the pain pills (I can take one every 4 hours and I've only had one today all day). I still need them more at night but as long as I go easy in the day time my bouts of pain seem to pass fairly fast.
I am so happy to be this far along with the process and can't wait to see how I feel next week.

A New Day has come

2009-04-19T21:21:00.002-05:00

My stomach is churning, some from nerves some from hunger. I just can't believe the time has come. In 12 hours I will be laying on the surgeons table and my new life will begin. I have never been a real "time" person and this is the perfect example. I have been complaining for months now about how long this process is taking and now all of a sudden the time is here.
I've lost 20lbs on the pre-surgery diet in the last 2 weeks and I'm ready for the rest to leave me.
My partner and I went to our first "support group" this past week. It is a pre-surgery requirement and I put it off to the last minute because I was kind of dreading it and it turned out to be an amazing thing. The doctor should film a group session and use it as part of this recruiting. The group opened with all the post-ops going around the room saying their name, how long ago they had their surgery and the total amount of weight they have lost. One lady had lost 500lbs and several people had lost 300lbs each. The nurse told us at one point the group had added up how much they had lost total and it was over 1/2 ton. The pre-ops were given 1hour to ask questions of the post-ops and they were very eager to share with us. I just can't describe how inspiring the whole thing was.
My last day at work was Saturday and I don't go back for 3 1/2 weeks. I'm actually more nervous about that than I am about why I'll be off work.

One week to go

2009-04-13T12:31:00.001-05:00

I just can't believe that it's down to my last week of waiting. 7 days from now I will see if it was all worth it. I have no doubt it will be. My 1400 calorie diet has been going ok. I've been useing the Lance Armstrong "livestrong" web site and the "dailyplate" to track my calories. And I've gone over 2 put of the last 7 days. So not bad I guess.

18 days and counting

2009-04-02T11:49:00.002-05:00

Oh my gosh! I can't believe that its only 18 days until my Weight Loss Surgery. I've been doing paper work out the waz-zoo. My job wants me to go on FMLA (I had planned on just using my vacation), and the last week I'm going to be off of the 3 weeks I'm going to be off work actually qualifies for Short Term Disability so I only have to use 2 week of Vacation pay. NICE!
I've been trying lost of protein shakes and finally settled on the first one I tried. My first case of protein powder came today from Unjury.com. It actually taste pretty good. I also signed up for auto delivery of the many vitamins I will be taking from BiaritricAdvantage.com. They have a pretty good deal if you sign up for auto delivery. So, I'm all set now for the big day.
I have stopped eating red meat and started drinking a protein shake a day. Next Monday I start my 1200 calorie a day diet. We are going to take all my before photo's this weekend and do my before measurements. I'm actually not looking forward to either of those.

Test

2009-03-13T10:32:00.001-05:00

I'm testing a new application on my iPhone that is supposed to let me post to my blog from my phone.

Finally I have a date!

2009-03-09T13:06:00.002-05:00

What a busy weekend on the phone I've had, but it's paid off and now I have a date for my Weight Loss Surgery. I'll spare you all the phone drama but will share the date with you.
The first day of my new life is: April 20th. I'll be the second surgery of the morning for the surgeon. I figure that the surgeon can get into his groove on the first person and really be ready to work by the time he gets to me.
I am so excited to start my new life. I hope to have more energy just in time for some fun summer fun. I've been trying to walk the new puppy around the block a few times a week. I enjoy the fresh air alot and she loves getting out of the yard.
I hope to be posting a fair amount leading up to the day of surgery. I will use this blog as my journal and plan on getting all my concerns and dreams for my new life down so I can always look back at the life I felt traped in for so many years.

A huge step closer

2009-03-05T22:15:00.002-06:00

When I got home tonight from work I had the best gift I've received in a LONG time. It was my approval letter for my Weight Loss Surgery from my Health Care Provider. I just can't tell you what a huge stress relief this is for me. I'll call the surgeon's office first thing in the morning and see when I can get on the books for the big day.

President Obama please stimulate me!

2009-02-27T20:35:00.002-06:00

I got my pay stub today and was shocked to see that it was 1/2 of what it normally is. I work on straight commission (which I love, since I LOVE my job and have been the top "producer" in my group for at least the last 8 years. I had noticed that over the last few months I seemed to not be as busy as I used to be but really didn't think it would add up to my paycheck being half of it's normal. Right away I ask my manager to set down with me and go over my "numbers". She pulled my monthly numbers for all of '07, '08 and this year to date. And sure as shit starting about last year Sept. I've had a steady but slow decline of about 15 clients less per month. And for the current month of Feb. I'm only at half the amount of clients I had in Feb. of last year. I will start tracking individual clients now and see just who I'm not seeing.
I got a phone call from the surgeon's office yesterday saying that my health insurance wanted a 5 year date and weight. So I called my doctor and had it faxed over right away. This is the 4 week since my meeting with the surgeon and he said I should hear yea or nea withing about 4 weeks. Of course I'm thinking no news is bad news :((((
Our new puppy Lucy was spayed yesterday and she is doing fantastic. We actually had to put her in her crate this evening because she just wouldn't stop playing with one of the other dogs. The vet called today to remind us to keep her calm and NO playing even if she feels like it.
Anyway other than the money stuff, life is really going well. I'm SO ready for spring, please hurry up!

Thumbs up from the surgeon!

2009-02-04T16:37:00.002-06:00

I was at the surgeons off for just over 3 hours yesterday afternoon. First I met with the Fellow (who also does some of the follow up plastic surgery), then the surgery nurse and FINALLY the surgeon. It was a great visit with all 3. They were impressed with the amount of knowledge I had about the whole process. :))))
So, now the surgeon will send a letter to my insurance company and then they'll call me to get it schedule. He thought I should hear from his nurse with in about 4 weeks and hopefully be on track to have the surgery no later than April. This of course makes me VERY happy, since this is what I've been working on for a long time.

Agnes interviews her exacutioner

2009-02-03T09:26:00.002-06:00

So we have been thinking about adding yet another member to our family for several months now. So after hours online and talking to my "friends in the know" we narrowed our options down to a Standard Poodle. I contacted the AKC and was finally put in touch with local breeder. We did 3 interviews with the breeder (2 phone and 1 at her home) and it was time for a home visit at our home. Now, we had told the breeder about the 2 dogs we already have but that was all we told her about.
The dog we are looking at is a 6 month old extra large brown female named Lucy.
This past Sunday Lucy came over for her first visit with our WHOLE family. So in prepreation for the visit we brought Agnes in the house that morning and let her take a bath in the kids bathtub (she just loves it when we fill up the tub with warm water and let her swim). Usually for the first hour or so she's in the house she does some major pooping and then tapers off and is good for a few hours. She is actually diaper trained but she "puts out so much the diaper can't hold it all". So after her bath we put her in the "pet room" with a portable heater until she drys. Just has she's coming out of the tub Lucy shows up for her visit. It went fantastic with our other 2 dogs and the kids. We were all sitting at the kitchen table with the breeder facing the "pet room" and after about an hour the breeder happens to notice Agnes poking her bill thru the pet gate. Very calmly the breeder says "Now boys! You didn't mention that you have a duck . You do know that Standard Poodles are WATER RETRIEVERS????? Just how attached are you to that duck?" Then she sat there staring at us somewhat gasping. It was SO funny!
I told her that I had done my homework and had talked to 2 different large poodle owners who lived on farms and had had no issues with the Poodles getting along with every one. I felt that since Agnes is in no way afraid of the dogs and would not run from them under any circumstance (the dogs are retrievers not killers) we were up to trying it. So the breeder says " Well let the damn duck out and lets get this over with!"
So we opened the gate to the room and Agnes RAN over to Lucy and bit her on the nose. Lucy let out a small yelp and backed way off. Then Lucy laided down about 5 feet from Agnes and just couldn't stop staring at her. But never got close again. Agnes went over to the back door and pecked to go out. It was VERY funny and was all over with just like that. Before Lucy left we let her go out to the back yard for a potty break and she looked at Agnes (and the 2 chickens) but showed zero interest.
We bring Lucy home for good tonight. Keep us in your prayers!

juicing

2009-01-31T20:31:00.004-06:00

Well it's only 2 more days until my consultation with my bariatric surgeon and I'm SO ready. I've been doing some reading on how to get back to work ASAP after the surgery and came across a blog about Juicing and the amazing vitamin punch it packs. So I jumped on Jack LaLanne's web site and ordered a Power Juicer Pro. The next day I got a mailer from Macy's with a listing of Juicers so I cancelled my LaLanne and ran to Macy's (why wait for Jack to ship to me when I live 20 minutes from Macy's)? And the sales lady said I had 6 months to bring it back if I changed my mind.

I bought the Breville Juice Fountain Plus (same price as the LaLanne) and hit the closest produce isle on my way home and dropped another $40.

My first juice cocktail was:

2 beets

1 orange

4 carrots

1 kiwi

It was actually pretty good, next time I may put alittle salt in it though. Every thing went fine, I got down about 12 ozs pretty fast. BUT, about 2 hours later I'm in the car on the way to meet a friend and out of nowhere my stomach is in knots and I'm in a panic for a bathroom. I pull into a Taco Bell and as I step out of the car to make a run for it I SHART (half shit and half fart). Oh my god, the cramps are terrible. I make it to the bathroom and thank heaven's it's a private john and I can lock the door.

15 minutes later, I'm cleaned up and sacrificed a brand new pair of boxers. The cramps are over just like that. Now I'm heading back home to recover and by the time I get home I'm ready for the bathroom again.

Next day, all is well (although did I mention that my urine is DARK orange/yellow? GROSS!

I go back to the blog that turned me onto juicing to begin with and see a note about Beets. Go easy it says, they are very strong. RIGHT

I decide to try it again last night for dinner and this time I try:

1 beet

3 oranges

1 cucumber

6 carrots

1 head of celery

1 kiwi

1 tsp salt

It taste great! I even get my son to drink a glass. The cookbook that came with the juicer also had recipes for the pulp that is the juicer by-product. So I used it to make a meat-loaf for dinner. It was 1 part pulp with 2 parts ground beef, egg, milk and spices. It was fantastic and will be the only way I make meat-loaf from now on (alright, I don't make that dish very often but when I do this is the way I'll do it). And best of all zero bathroom issues.

So I think I'll be juicing for a while. I am really excited about seeing if I can feel a difference anytime soon.

What a weekend - Sunday

2009-01-25T21:21:00.002-06:00

I got to sleep in very late today and it was SO nice. I got up about 10am and decided to catch a noon movie - Defiance. What a choice after finishing The Reader. This movie was really amazing and is really not getting the attention it should be. To think that this group of brothers saved 1200 Jews by hiding them in the woods. I love the part where the guys is saying to God "we don't want to be your choosing one any more. Pick someone else".
This is a great movie to see and is a true testament to Faith.

What a weekend - Saturday

2009-01-25T20:37:00.002-06:00

I really enjoyed my extra day off yesterday but now back to work.
So today I'm at lunch with a client who is telling my about her "online dating saga". She had been chatting with some dude who "looked ok but not hot" for a while and when she talked to him on the phone she really liked his voice so they decided to meet. She gets to the restaurant first and is waiting at the bar for him. And she says when he walks in he is HUGE (now as she's telling this story she is looking down and picking at her plate. BUT - has she says the word HUGE she slowly looks up at me and then down to my belly and quicker than shit starts back tracking). She says "not that I have anything against fat, I mean heavy or overweight people. Honest, I'm not that shallow (yes, she actually said she's not that shallow). But he said in his profile that he likes to ski, long walks and ride bikes and there is no way someone that heavy could do those things".
I know how people feel about fat people (trust me your no harder on me than I am on myself), but how big of an idiot do you have to be to say those things to another fat person.

I got home alittle late but still had time for a glass of wine before meeting friends for dinner. We had a fantastic time on our date night (we try to get out once a week without the kids). So we went out to a local Italian restaurant for food, drinks and lots of kampy boy talk.
Was home by 10pm and hit my lazyboy to finish a book I was reading. The Reader by Bernhard Schlink. I've been on a kick of reading books that are current movies or tv shows.
This book was really something and I consider a must read. It spends so much time getting you to hate one of the leads but then BAM all of a sudden you are crying over it.
It really is a great book.

What a weekend - Friday

2009-01-25T19:41:00.003-06:00

I'm setting here watching the SAG awards wishing I had brought in more wood for the fireplace before the snow hit.
I had a GREAT weekend and I'll start at the beginning.
Friday - I took the day off work to work in my potting shed. I've been trying to get the converted over to a growing shed and I realize that it will be another project that just never ends. I have a largish wooden shed in the back yard this is only a few years old and very solid. It has no windows but does have 2 south facing sky lights. I spent about $100 insulating 70% of the shed and ran out of insulation so I'm trying to bring it up to a temp of 60F (if possible then I won't bother insulating the remaining 30%. If I can't then another trip to Home Depot. I've got 2 125W heat bulbs and the temp only got about 10F higher than the outside temp., so last night I put an electric oil filled heater in and this morning the temp was up to 55F. So looks like I'm off to a good start. I've got full spectrum lighting over my 3 seed trays and have them setting on a tray heater that is supposed to raise the soil temp another 10 to 20 decree's above the air temp. If all works as planned I should have sprouting seeds by the end of this week or next week at the latest. I've started a couple different types of tomatoes, peppers and lots of different herbs and flowers. I have room for 1 more starter tray that I will start soon.

Amazon Kindle

2009-01-19T16:31:00.004-06:00

Disclaimer: this is in no way a sale pitch for Amazon. It's solely a testimonial for the Kindle from a guy who loves to read.

I want to talk a bit about how much the Amazon Kindle has made my life better. This thing is just amazing. If you've had the pleasure of playing with one it's easy to see why Oprah picked it has her favorite new thing of 2008. If your a big reader then the Kindle is a must have.

I've been an avid reader for most of my adult life, reading 1 to 2 books a month. Since getting the Kindle in May of '08, I'm reading 2 books a week. I'm never with out a book to read and almost always have my next book purchased and downloaded. People are always telling me about a great book they read and recommending that I read it. With the Kindle, when ever someone recommends a book to me I right away turn it on and to to Amazon (right from the Kindle) and buy and download the book. In the old days I would try and right the name down and look for it later (often forgetting). It's just so amazing.

So far the only draw back I have encountered is that you can not share a book with a friend. I do miss passing on books to others but even with that said I can say that I have stacks of books setting around the house that for what ever reason just never got passed on..

Let me list a few of my fave things about the Kindle:

It feels just like reading a regular book (many times I've caught myself reaching up to turn the page).

Zero to little eye strain. Nothing like reading on your computer

Stores hundreds of books (thousands with a $15 media card), so I'm NEVER without a book to read.

Amazing search features. You can search all the books on your Kindle for something you remember reading about earlier. You can search the internet.

Built in dictionary, you just highlight the line your reading and with one click get fast definitions for the words in that sentence.

You can highlight a single word or several sentence's, clip and save along with any notes you wish to make. Great ideal for book club members or students.

This is just a few of the great things about the Kindle. I can't wait to hear from others with one.

Our little farm in the city

2009-01-17T21:14:00.010-06:00

I grew up in a very rural area about 3 hours away from Memphis (the closest city). I left that hell hole as soon as I got out of high school. I couldn't wait to get out of that place and on to a place that was either big enough for me to be anonymous or big and diverse enough for me to blend in. Well, I've been in the city for just over 20 years and now I dream of being on a farm (although, not in Deliverance). So, a safe alternative is that I have a small farm right in the middle of the city. I really do live in a very urban setting, you have to drive at least an hour to get out to a farm setting. If I tried to pee off my back porch I would hit the neighbors to houses down. That's how close we are to each other.
So about 3 years ago my partner came home from a local farmers market with a 3 day old baby chicken. We named her Peep and she grew up in our home for the first several months of her life. We quickly added a small flock of more chicks, guineas, and a couple of ducks. Well, three years later we still have Peep (Bantam mix), Chicketta (a standard Blue Cochin) and Agnes (a Muscovy duck). All three females and we get 3 eggs aday. We really aren't big egg eaters so we pass them on to the neighbors. These girls really bring so much excitement to my family's lives. Agnes meets me at the gate EVERY day after work and walks me to the back door. If I don't reach down and scratch her breast she bites my ankles. Over the course of the day each of the girls will at some point be at the back door pecking on the glass wanting in. We almost always give in and let them in to roam around for a bit and then they go back to the door wanting out. Our dogs share their water bowl with them with little drama. When you open the fridge you have 2 chickens, 1 duck and 2 dogs begging. We also have a large Macaw and an African Grey. The parrots love the dogs and the dogs love the chickens and the duck but the parrots HATE the chickens and the duck and the chickens and the duck know it.
The weather have been VERY cold here this past week and the neighbors have been calling to make sure the chickens (and duck) are alright. Yesterday morning I went out to check on them and all three were still in their house (it has a heat lamp) and couldn't be coaxed out with scratch.
I'm sure I'll be writing more about the pets as this blog goes on, they really are a major highlight of our life.

Let the Fat man vent!

2009-01-16T16:34:00.003-06:00

Let me list a few things that SUCK about being FAT!

Clothes - there is ONE store where I can buy clothes. Let me correct that, there is one store where I chose to buy my clothes. There are actually several Big & Tall clothing stores in my town but they either sell cloths for young Hip Hop folks or clothes for old fat white golfers. I am a white guy (not ready to say "old"), but not into golf and kids point and laugh if I wear Sean John stuff.
Getting dressed - If at all possible I just don't wear socks or shoes that tie. It takes me about 10 minutes just to put on my socks and shoes and worse than that I'm out of breath for about 15 minutes after. Putting on my socks honest to god is a huge effort. I own clogs in several colors and styles because they are SO easy to step into. The shoes and socks are really the biggest pain for me as a Fat person. Putting on my belt (lifting my belly out of the way) also takes a minute but I do recover sooner.
Bathroom - You knew this one was coming didn't you? Let just jump right into it - wiping my ass is a HUGE issue sometimes. I fit on the toilet fine, no issues there. But when I finish trying to get my hand back there to clean up is really a problem. Don't worry I never skip it, but sometimes it's just easier to jump in the shower and hose the damn thing out. I may be fat but I am not and hope to never be a "Smelly Fat Person".
Eating out - I have broken several chairs in restaurants over the last few years and you just can't imagine how humiliating that is. And you NEVER agree to set outside at a restaurant because you know that they are going to have those plastic stacking chairs that will fold up under you as soon as you sit down. I have only landed on the floor twice but those two experiences will last with me for ever.
Weddings, Theater, etc. - any where that uses folding chairs. You just can't know the feeling you get when you walk into a room and see those damn folding chairs and you know its a gamble. Do I set and pray? Do I ask for something else to set in?
Flying - you guessed it - I don't fit in the seat and the seat belt doesn't fit me. I have ordered a seat belt extender that I travel with and it's a huge help. I actually had a flight attendant announce over the intercom that the passenger in seat so and so needed an extender on time. Getting the extender to travel with was a large stress reliever, I still don''t fit in the seats but at least only me and the person setting beside me has to know about.

Here we go -

2009-01-15T22:54:00.004-06:00

This is the first entry in my blog. The primary reason for this blog is to help me during the process of my weightloss surgery journey. By keeping it anonymous I hoping that I'm able to be completely honest. I first called my surgeon almost 2 years ago and that time I didn't follow thru with the intake packet. I called back last year June and returned the intake packet within 5 days and then spent the next 4 months dueing the required preresquite doctor visits. I'm now 2 weeks out from meeting the actual surgeon. I'm hopeing to have the surgery no later than this
April and only expect to be off work for 3 weeks.
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